Just Regular Everyday Life...

Today

2012-01-08T19:00:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, I was not able to post first thing this morning. There was actually a reason for this, and I will write about it in a few days. Suffice to say, once I post, you will understand why I chose to wait to write about my reason. Thankfully, my anxiety levels have been relatively low today, and the purpose of writing these entries is to help with my anxiety. So, it seems that it was ok for me to not post today.

I'll update this post in a few days.

Tomorrow is my first day of school--yikes!

Friends

2012-01-07T08:35:00.001-06:00

My anxiety levels are really high today--like pop a Xanax high. I woke up around 6:20 this morning very anxious from the dream I was having, went back to sleep, then woke up again about an hour ago, again very anxious. I went back to sleep for a little while, but now I am awake. Before I go the route of popping something, I am going to try to manage my anxiety levels by posting. My good friend Jenny said in a comment on another post that she does not believe that thanksgiving and anxiety/fear can exist in the same place. I can agree with that, so I hope that taking the time to find something good in my life right right now will help to alleviate the anxiety.

It is a little harder for me to find something to post about today, so I am just going to post about something in my life that I am thankful for. I am thankful for my friends. I have no idea how many "Happy Birthdays," I received on facebook, but it was quite a few. Greg and the kids took me out the night of my birthday, and then two other friends took me out the night after; I also have three other friends who are just waiting to see what my schedule looks like before we schedule a night out to celebrate my birthday. Then there are all of the people who I have called in a time of need, or who have called, emailed, or walked over to my house in their pajamas to check on me. I have more people in my life who love and care for me than I have ever had--and I feel truly blessed!

Unfortunately, my anxiety level is still really high, so I might be taking that Xanax this morning. That is, after all, why I have it, but these posts give me something to cling to when I do get this way.

Rice

2012-01-06T08:41:00.000-06:00

I don't know if I have mentioned this before on the blog, but my first time through in college I attended Rice University--known as one of the best universities in the country. Unfortunately, I did not appreciate my education at the time and I did not do well, nor did I finish. Now, as a returning student, I found that I really wanted to finish my degree at Rice. The problem with that was that Rice is a private school (and not cheap). I really did not see how I could possibly afford to attend Rice (or how I could justify the student loans to do it).

So, I did what all students (should) do--I applied for financial aid. I explained to the financial aid office that I was currently in the middle of a divorce. They said that they would adjust my status accordingly. So now, I am a single person with no income. Thus, Rice gave me a grant that covered all of my tuition and fees for the semester! That means that I get my Rice education and I will have no student debt on the other side of it! This is something that absolutely would not have happened if I were still married. I'm sure that I would have received SOME financial assistance, but I also expect that much of it would have been in the form of student loans--what a huge, amazing, positive thing to come from the divorce--I can't even express how exciting and amazing that is! At this time in 2013, I will be finished with school and will (hopefully) have a new job--big things ahead!

My Birthday--the good things in life

2012-01-05T07:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I was supposed to write this as soon as I woke up in the morning, but I admit I have actually been awake for a while. Oh well, I feel relatively good and my anxiety levels are really low, especially considering that I am moving today. (And by the way, considering that I will, generally, be writing these posts BEFORE my morning coffee, don't expect perfect grammar or no typos--I know I am the stickler for grammar, but it is what it is.)

My (new) good thing for today is my birthday. Yes, I have had birthdays every year of my life, but this year was different. Every year, I just want to get the day over with so that I can get back to healthy eating. This year, I lost so much weight from not eating well this last month (and entire semester, really) that I don't care--I do need to get back to healthier eating, but I am much more concerned with making sure that I am eating enough, as opposed to being concerned with dropping more pounds.

The other (and much more important) new, amazing thing about my birthday is how I celebrated it this year. Last year, as always, we went out as a family to celebrate my birthday. We did that again this year, but this year I enjoyed it much more than I have in many years. Last year, I did not want to be in the same room with Greg, and I knew that in addition to the family dinner he had something planned for my birthday. Truth be told, I was dreading this other thing. Greg and I were not doing well and I did not want to celebrate my birthday with him. I know that hurt him and it makes me sad to even write about it. This is another thing that I did to Greg that I truly regret today and am truly sorry for. Greg knew this, so he arranged for me to go out with my friends to celebrate instead. The good thing about this, though, is that this year, I WANTED Greg there. Even with the kids there, Greg and I had a good conversation over dinner (and the five of us had a good conversation over dinner as well). Sadly, if it were not for the divorce, this would have been another year when we would have gone out to a really nice restaurant but I would not have enjoyed celebrating this very special day. I never would have thought that I would say that divorce improved my relationship with my former spouse, but that is what has happened--Greg and I are becoming friends--good friends. While I can't see alternate realities, I do not believe that this would have happened by this time without the divorce. I don't know why things had to happen this way, I just suppose that they did and do.

The Positive Side of Life--Take two

2012-01-04T23:00:00.001-06:00

If you are a long time reader of this blog you may recall that a couple of years ago, I spent a month posting every morning about something positive in my life. My reason for this, as I wrote in that post was as follows:

"You know, I would not call myself a very positive person. I am a pessimist; I am a cynic; I automatically see the bad in a situation and I can come up with tons of things that can go wrong in every situation. (I like to think of it as "planning ahead.)

Today is December 5. On January 4, I will celebrate my thirty-fourth birthday. I think it's time that I take control of my negativity and change."

Well, I have done it again--I have gotten stuck in a pit of negativity. Granted, I just got a divorce, so there is a lot of negative in my life right now. I would go so far as to say that right now life sucks--I wake up every morning with so much anxiety that my stomach feels like it is tied up in knots. I am nauseous every morning and don't want to eat; I am now on a host of drugs (all prescribed for me) to help me deal with this. BUT, as a good friend reminded me the other day, this is temporary. Here's the thing, though--not EVERYTHING about my life is negative right now. There are an awful lot of positives--and there are an awful lot of positives that have come from my divorce. Am I saying that this is what I want--well, no, not really, but there are good things in this.

I need to find a way to deal with the anxiety that I experience on a daily basis and function--not just survive but thrive. This is going to be a very exciting year for me--next December I will be posting that I have completed my degree and in May, 2013 you will see pictures of my graduation from Rice University. This is something that I have wanted for a very long time, and before I turn around it will be finished. It would be a shame if I missed out on all of the fun exciting things this year because I was so focused and fixated on the bad things--on the things that could have been or that should have been, or on the things that I think I am missing out on. I need (and want) to enjoy this year. This is going to be an amazing, exciting year--one in which I get to focus on myself and what I want out of life without feeling like I am being selfish or like I should be focused on someone else. Yes, am going to continue being a mom and being a friend to the people I love, but this is my year for me.

So, here's the plan--starting tomorrow, before I get out of bed in the morning (well, I'll get up to run to the little girls' room and take Dancer out, if needed), I am going to write a post for this blog. The idea is that I am going to write about something good in my life--preferably something good that has come from the divorce or from the other changes in my life, but I might also post about something good that happened the day before or whatever. The goal is that by focusing on the positive, the anxiety I experience will decrease (or go away), and I will enjoy this time of my life--as opposed to spending this year focused on the negative things in life.

I don't know how long this series will last. Ironically, the last time I did this, my series ended on my birthday; this time it begins on my birthday. I am going to post for at least one month, but if I am still dealing with anxiety and/or depression then I will keep posting beyond the month.

I am looking forward to the future--it looks bright (albeit scary). Tomorrow, I will write my first post about a good thing in my life. Come back tomorrow to read what I have to say.

If you love something let it go...

2011-12-20T14:55:00.002-06:00

Do you remember the old saying (of which I am sure there are a hundred variations), "If you love something, let it go. If it returns it will be yours forever; if it does not, it was never yours." I suppose this is my current place--the "let it go" place. For years (just read the archives of this blog if you don't believe me), I have been saying that I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be married, I don't want this and I don't want that. All of that was true--it might still all be true, but then again it might not.

Right now, there is so much change on the horizon for me that when I look at my life and what is coming, even though some of those things are so very exciting, I am backing as far away as I possibly can and saying, "I don't want to do this." I am preparing to change schools (I will start class at Rice in 19 days); I am preparing to move; my role with my children will be changing; I am recently divorced--pick any of these things, and my response will be, "I don't want to do this." I just don't like change, and I do not believe that I am wired to deal with it as well as some other people are. Not to say that I get to just sit stationary for the rest of my life--everyone has to learn to deal with change because change is a part of life.

Anyway, Greg told me a couple of days ago that every time something major changed (usually when we were moving) I was excited in the beginning but once the change became real, I got stressed and did not want to do it. Take Rice for example--I can't tell you how thrilled I was (and really still am) to be able to return there, but once I turned in my final exam in Calculus III, all of a sudden, I didn't want to change schools--I wanted to stay where it was comfortable...that is how I am--get comfortable and just stay there. Regardless of if the change is a good change or a bad change, I hate change.

Needless to say, the other changes--the divorce, moving--these are not changes that I am looking forward to either. In fact, given my choice at the moment, I would not move out and Greg and I would get married again, go back to life the way that it was before and hope that we would eventually have not what was (because it was not happy), but what could have someday been. If you have been reading this blog for very long (or if you have looked at the archives) you know that I have been unhappy in my marriage for quite some time, and I have been unhappy with myself and my place in life. I am reminded of the Robert Frost poem, "The Road Not Taken."

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Thought as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

It would seem that I once stood at that same fork in the road and I chose a road--one that did not work out for me. Oddly enough, it would appear that I am back at that same fork in the road with the opportunity to take the other road. About a month ago, I was in a session with my counselor and she reminded me of this poem and pointed out how seldom a person finds herself back at the place where a pivotal decision was made with the opportunity to redo a piece of life. Obviously, I am not back in the exact place that I was before--I am sixteen years older (and hopefully wiser) and I have three children. Still I am single again and I am back at Rice--I have the opportunity to do the things that I regret not doing, and my fear of change would have me turn around and go back down the road I took sixteen years ago. Why--because it, while unhappy, is known and comfortable.

Back to the topic of this post--every time I begin the task of preparing to move, I get to the point where I just say, "let's not do this." I find myself saying to both myself and to Greg, "let's just put our family back together and go on about our lives." I find myself saying, "let's just give this another try." I ask why--why am I saying this, why do I believe that I want this--do I love Greg--maybe, maybe not. Does he love me--maybe, maybe not...I don't really know what I want, what I feel, other than fear and anxiety...Yes--I would love to have my family back together again. I would love to have what Greg and I could have had--what we should have had, but this isn't the time for that.

Could it one day be the time for that--I think that it is possible, but for now it is time to let go. I think that both Greg and I have to set the other free--we each have to allow the other to experience the things that we need to experience. Maybe Greg has already let go, maybe not, but my job is to do the things that I need to do, and in this case, I need to let go. That means that I stop trying to control Greg; I stop trying to control the situation and control his life, and I choose to get out of his way and allow Greg to do what he wants and needs to do...easier said than done. My other job, part of getting out of the way is that I have to move out. Life is hard right now. I'm not sure how I will make it through all of this, but I know I will...somehow. 19 days until school starts, then I will be so busy that I might come up for air every so often...I'm scared of the future...

I'm sorry for alarming you...

2011-12-13T13:58:00.002-06:00

To all of my friends who have been concerned about me, first I must say that I am sorry for alarming you. This blog is my forum to say the things that are on my mind, so I'm not sorry for the things that I said, but I am sorry that any of you were worried about me.

The truth of the matter is that I have been very depressed the last few days. Life seems overwhelming and the thought of checking out is tempting. However, in my case, there is a huge difference between wanting to go to sleep and never wake up and being suicidal. I do not believe that this is something that is unique to me, as I know other people who have also struggled with depression who have said the exact same thing.

Yes, there is a part of me that would love to go to sleep and never wake up--that's the easy way out for me because then I don't have to deal with so many things that are in front of me--most of which I don't want to deal with, but that really doesn't mean that I am ready to end it all. I promise that if I get to that point, I will call someone.

Thank you for your concern and for caring about me. There was a time in my life when no one would have cared, so I feel very blessed to look around and know that I am surrounded by people who love me.

Let me make myself clear

2011-12-12T18:20:00.000-06:00

Ok, from the messages and phone calls that I have received today, it's obvious to me that many of my friends are worried about me, so please allow me to clarify. You have nothing to worry about--not at this point. Just because I would really love it if I could just not wake up in the morning, it doesn't mean that I am to the point where I would kill myself. I am far from being there--not to say that if I don't pull myself out of this that I won't get there, but I'm not there now.

I have been in a similar place more than once before. I can't necessarily say that I have fallen this far into a depression before, but maybe I have. I know that I have been close to this depressed before, and, to date, I am still alive. I have a session scheduled with my therapist tomorrow, so I am sure that we will discuss this tomorrow. I am simply overwhelmed by life right now--it seems too hard and I would like to just run away from it. Right, wrong, or otherwise, that's where I am.

So, while I very much appreciate the phone calls, messages and other expressions of concern, please know that I am ok and I will be just fine. I don't know what "fine" looks like at the moment, but I will be just fine. Thank you all for your love and support.

I woke up...

2011-12-12T10:14:00.000-06:00

Last night when I went to bed, I really didn't want to wake up. I was really hoping that I would slip away to never never land and not return. Imagine my disappointment when morning arrived. I've never been this deep in a depression before--I have a final exam tonight and I am strongly considering just showing up, writing my name on my paper and turning it in. Really, if it weren't for the fact that my teacher is a friend of mine and that the school gave me an award last year for being the outstanding advanced mathematics student, I probably would. I wouldn't even show up at all, were it not for the fact that my teacher would have to give me a F if I didn't show up for the final. To anyone who knows me, that should tell you how far down I have slipped. For me to consider just not taking a test and settling for a B when I should not only get an A, but close to (if not more than a 100 average) is pretty serious.

As I said before, I only need a 45 on my final to have a 90 average in the class, so maybe I will just do enough of the final to make sure that I get a 45...I won't...maybe if I had another teacher, but this teacher would be so disappointed in me (at least I hope he would) and I just can't do that. Part of me wants him to see that I am not myself, and the other part of me wants him to not even notice. I hope that he is just so exhausted and preoccupied that he won't even notice. I don't want to explain myself right now. You know, there are those people who you know care about you and want the best for you, but they have so much of their own crap that the last thing you want to do is dump your own shit all over them. This friend is one of those people. The last thing I want to do is vomit on him...

Tomorrow I have a session with my therapist. Maybe she can help me gain some perspective. Then again, maybe I will get lucky and not wake up in the morning. I am ready to leave this miserable world. I'm tired and emotionally spent. I have no resources left from which I can muster the strength to sift through the memories from the last sixteen years of my life. Maybe I should just get a bunch of trash bags and throw it all away--it has all been a waste anyway. I truly have nothing to show for my life, so I think I would prefer that it just end now...I would like to go back to bed now, or just crawl into a hole and die.

And the depression sets in...

2011-12-12T02:44:00.001-06:00

I have felt this coming for several days (well really for a couple of weeks) now. Until yesterday, I was doing a pretty good job of just stuffing everything, because it would really be a whole lot easier if I could wait until after my final exams to fall apart...I guess that I won't get that luxury.

As it is right now, I just want to sleep. I don't want to eat (in fact I didn't eat yesterday); I don't want to work out, although I have a pt session tomorrow and it's too late to cancel it, so I guess I'm going; I don't want to go to school and take my final exams, but if I don't show up, I get a F in the class--can't really afford that. What I can afford is to show up for my final, write my name on my paper, and hand it in. I have done well enough in the class that even if I get a zero on the final, I will still get an 81 in the class. That's a B and that's respectable (well, not for me, but who cares.) I can also just show up and take about half of the test. I only need a 45 to get an A in the class. I just don't care anymore.

If I could choose, I would go back to sleep now, and my heart would stop while I sleep. That way I would be dead and I just wouldn't care anymore--I wouldn't care that Greg is already dating someone else; I wouldn't care that I am about to move out of my house and away from the kids. Yes, the kids would miss me for a while, but Greg could just go and marry this or some other woman and the kids would go back to having one family--no more of this "mom's house" and "dad's house" shit. And I would be free...I would be free of the misery that has been so prevalent in this life--sounds like a win-win situation for me. So, God, if you exist, I am going back to bed now. If I could please just not wake up, that would be lovely. Thank you.

30 Days and Counting

2011-12-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

The last four weeks have been full of changes--big changes--not the least of which was getting divorced. Sadly, the next month will be full of even bigger changes. Monday is my last day of classes for this semester. After Monday, I will no longer be a student at San Jacinto Community College. In thirty days, I will be starting classes at the big kid school--Rice University. If I haven't mentioned this before, I was a student at Rice my first time in college--before getting married and before having children, and I dropped out--for several reasons, but mainly because I was burned out and I didn't want to be in school any longer.

While I did not always feel this way, for the last few years, I believed that leaving Rice was one of the biggest mistakes that I ever made. I worked very hard to get into Rice and I felt as though I had thrown all of that away. I feel very fortunate to be able to return to Rice to finish my degree. The picture that you see above is MY class ring, which I received two days ago. The inscription on the inside says, "Never too late!"

Leaving San Jac and going to Rice, while sad, is the one change that I know is absolutely and completely right. I am still scared of it, because I hate change, but I know that it is the right thing for me. The other changes, I am not so sure about. Once I finish my finals on Monday, I get to start the process of packing up all of my possessions, to prepare to move. I will be moving out of the former family home sometime during the first week of January, into a house owned by a couple of guys. I will be renting a room from them. So, I will basically have my own place. Thankfully, it's not far from the childrens' home, but I won't be with them on a daily basis anymore. That will, on a mental level, if nothing else, be difficult.

It's interesting. The first time I went to Rice, as a high school graduate, I packed up all of my belongings, loaded them into my car and took them with me to school. I knew that the place that I once called home was no longer my home. This time, I will be packing up all of my belongings--taking some of them and storing the rest. Again, I know that the place I once called home is no longer my home. While I know that my children will always love me and be my family, it feels as though my whole life is changing--new school; new home; new "family" (or once again no family). I feel very sad--if I could freeze time so that these changes would never come, I think I would. With so much in life that feels wrong right now, I have to focus on the one thing in life that feels right--that's school and Rice. I am really happy to have my ring because it is a tangible reminder that I have of the one thing in life that is right. Since I will be leaving Dancer, my patronus, behind when I move, I suppose that my ring will become my new patronus--my new anchor and the thing that I turn to when life feels as though it is falling apart. Maybe it seems silly that a little ring should be so important to someone, but when you get the chance to undo one of your life's greatest regrets, well, that's not so silly--not to me at least.

Why can't I be one of THOSE people??

2011-11-30T16:16:00.000-06:00

Let's be honest for a few minutes, shall we? Are there people who you envy--I mean REALLY envy? I admit there are people who I envy. It used to be that I envied people who I thought were beautiful, thin, successful, had tons of money, etc. Those are all shallow things, and while I admit that I would love to feel more beautiful, have a better body, be more successful or have more money, these (typically) are not the things that I envy anymore.

Who do I envy--I envy happy people--not the people who seem to have everything, because it's likely that, in reality, those people are not so happy--but rather the people who don't have everything and who are still happy. I know people, who, regardless of their place in life, regardless of the circumstances, are basically happy people. I am not one of those people, and, quite honestly, have never been one of those people. When I was single (way back when), I wanted to be married; when I was a stay at home mom, I wanted to work; when I worked I wanted to stay at home. The situation is irrelevant, but the issue is that no matter what, I am dissatisfied. I always want something other than what I have.

Why is that? Why is it that some people can make a decision, put it behind them and never look back, while I sit stuck in this paralytic fear of making decisions, and when I finally do make a decision, I sit there and wonder if I made the right decision or wrong decision. I sit and ask myself "what if I had done this," or "what if I had done that," or whatever, but these other people make a decision, accept the outcome and right, wrong or otherwise are basically happy people.

I wish I were like that. I wish I could just be a happy person--someone who can accept life as it comes and just move on. How do I become one of those people?

A poem written by a friend of mine:

2011-11-16T00:47:00.002-06:00

This was written by my very good and very talented friend, Michelle Pearson. I feel fortunate to have Michelle in my life. Thanks for sharing this with me!

Perspective of reality-

Persevering through some tragedy.

Impossible as it may seem,

Rewarding- if you must redeem.

Unanswered questions always left.

God has given you a test.

A test of faith, love and laughter.

But can you fathom a disaster?

Days and weeks become a blur.

Hold your ground if not to stir,

Another realm of fantasy,

While lifeless in reality.

Hold your head up, kind and high

If to see above the sky

The colors- extraterrestrial

Not seen by the peripheral

May you fall, please find some grace

Even if there is no trace.

No trace of Earth and Mother-nature

Meet your fate, then meet your Maker.

Blessed are you and blessed are we

Falling from a different tree.

Outer shall not defeat your inner

Strength will come- we all are sinners.

Forgive- as though it is your day.

Forget- we all will come to lay

In a place, but not our soul-

It will follow your heart's goal.

Perspective of reality-

It's in you, it's in me.

But how to reach out of your grasp?

Follow the future- don't relapse.

What I want, or what I need?

2011-11-13T22:34:00.000-06:00

Today is Sunday, November 13. Greg and I have three days until we appear before a judge and he terminates our marriage. In the last two months, I have run the gamut of emotions--from trying to convince Greg that he is making a huge mistake and that he is letting everyone around him down, to practically hating Greg and lashing out against him, to being apathetic and saying, "*^%$ it," to trying to convince Greg that I really do love him and I really do want to be married to him, to being angry again, etc., etc.

Now that I have had time to reflect, I think I have figured out both what I want and what I don't want. I'll start with what I don't want--I don't want to get a divorce. Divorce means change--big change and I am not a fan of change. Granted, in my case things are not really changing much--our status is changing on paper, but Greg and I have been emotionally divorced for a long time now; I am not moving out of the house until I finish school, so that, too, is not changing. Still, a divorce makes it real and final, and it means that things must change in my head, if nowhere else.

The other thing that I know I don't want is to be married to Greg--not because I don't care about Greg--to the contrary, I believe that I care very deeply for Greg. As I have said in the past, I greatly value the role that Greg has played in my life. Just today, I found a notebook in which I had written reflections from many years ago. In this notebook, I listed the five people who had most influenced my life. At the time (between seven and ten years ago), I believed that Greg was the person who had most influenced my life. I continue to believe that. While things have not always been good between us, I always knew that if my life went to hell in a hand basket, Greg would be there to pick me up. It seems stupid, even to me, that I don't want to keep that. Really, I do want to keep that part of our relationship and I want to keep the other parts of our relationship that work, because there are some parts of our relationship that work really well.

I suppose that it isn't so much a matter of what I want, as much as it is a matter of what I think I need. I think that I need to live on my own for a while--I need to be single. It isn't a matter of wanting to party, or of wanting to date a bunch of different guys, or of wanting to act like a twenty year old. It's true that I didn't party, date or act like a twenty year old when I was twenty (remember I was married at nineteen and a mom at twenty one), and I have been having fun lately going out and partying, but that is not the ultimate goal for me. I think, in my case, it's more a matter of independence. When Greg came into my life, I was searching for someone who could rescue me from my life. At the time, my life was school, paying my bills and running from my mother. Greg offered me a way out of all of that, and I took it. I quit school, and Greg and I moved away. It worked at the time, but in retrospect it was all wrong--I'm not saying that Greg and I were all wrong, but the circumstances were all wrong.

I think that what I really needed was to show myself that I was strong enough to take care of myself--that I was bigger than my problems. Instead, I taught myself that I was too weak to handle my problems on my own--that I needed someone else to take care of me. Now life has come full circle--in January I will return to Rice to finish my college degree. I find it uncanny that I was single when I started at Rice and I will be single when I finish there. I suppose that college was something I was supposed to do alone. I find it sad that my marriage has to end to allow me to do what I need to do, but I truly do believe that this is what I need to do. Really, I would like to put my family in suspended animation while I do the things that I need to do; that way when I am finished we can all pick up right where we left off--I could eat my cake and have it too. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way...I don't get to be Nilam Patel and Nilam Gray too.

There is a huge part of me that is very sad to see our marriage end--we have been together for many years and we have brought three beautiful children into the world. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am certain that I have to travel the road ahead of me. Returning to Rice has worked out in a way that I never imagined possible--I decided that I was going to return, but made the decision knowing that I would probably end up with significant student debt. As it turned out, I was given a financial aid award which covered 100% of my school expenses--all grants and no loans! I have to believe that the other parts of my life will work our just as well. The future seems like a huge unknown, but as one of my friends told me the other day, I have to keep my focus on the things that are working and the part of my path that is clear, and I have to believe that if I stay on that path, everything else will work itself out.

Here's to the future!

I refuse to be fat!

2011-09-25T19:39:00.000-05:00

You know what--I have been eating terribly lately! I mean it--skipping meals, eating ice cream, doughnuts, getting Starbucks--you name it--if it's bad for me (and I like it), I have probably eaten it in the last month. On top of that, in the last month, I think that, in addition to my personal training sessions, I have done about three hours of cardio---THE ENTIRE MONTH!

Why, you ask? Well, the first answer that I would give you is stress. I have, quite simply, been stressed out with school, work, the pending divorce, and everything else. But the truth is, that I simply haven't cared--I haven't cared about what I have been eating or not doing that I should. I am a stress eater and an emotional eater, so I admit that in those moments when I have felt anxious about something, I have eaten. And it's true that at some level, when I have wanted to eat junk, I have just said, "f*&^ it--I want it so I am going to eat it."
No more! This ends here and now. I refuse to be fat. You probably didn't know me before I got married, but I was really skinny--I weighed all of a hundred pounds, soaking wet. I refuse to leave this marriage worse for the wear. I may have stretch marks, saggy skin on my stomach, saggy boobs from breastfeeding, and be in need of a certain type of rejuvenation surgery, but I will not be fat...period!

I resolve, at this moment that I am going to lose ten pounds by the end of the year--yes ten. That should (hopefully) be the last ten. How am I going to do it--two personal training sessions a week; two extra weight training sessions a week (thanks to the weight training class I am taking), a minimum of three hours of cardio a week, and carefully monitoring my calorie intake. Oh, and no alcohol or eating out, unless I am with my Austin buddies. I refuse to be fat!

The big "D"

2011-09-17T11:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am going public and I am just going to say it--Greg and I are getting a divorce. It's true--the papers are filed--yes, it's really happening. Before you comment, post on my facebook, email or call me with questions, please read the following, as it may answer many of your questions.

1. First of all, I very much appreciate all of my friends--many of whom I consider to be more family than just friends. I absolutely appreciate the phone calls, text messages, emails and everything else that you have done, just to check on me to make sure that I am ok. I have good moments and bad moments and I know that if I am in one of those bad moments, I only have to pick up the phone. That's the hard part for me, because I know that all of you have lives, and I don't want to bother anyone, but I know that is what friends are for.

2. Only a few people knew that this was happening. The papers were filed about two weeks ago, but we didn't tell the kids until last Tuesday. For that reason, I only told a few people who have very limited or no contact with my children (either directly or through their own kids). There are many others who I wanted to tell, but I didn't want to risk something accidentally being said that might get back to the kids. They needed to hear this from Greg and me. If you didn't already know about this, it doesn't mean that I don't value you as my friend--some of the most important people in my life were unaware until now. As much as I would like to call everyone in my life and tell them personally, I would be an emotional basket case by the end of that day, so this is the best way for me to do this.

3. The kids, while sad, seemed to take things relatively well. It was a difficult conversation to have (for all of us), but everyone seemed to accept it.

4. I, too, am ok with this decision. If you have been reading this blog for very long, you know that Greg and I have been struggling for several years now. We have been on the road to hating each other. Seeing how we have three children together, and even if we didn't, we would really like to remain friends with each other. I value Greg as a person and value his input in my life. I hope not to lose that, and I think that our chances of remaining friends is much greater divorced than married. Simply put, we want different things out of life and out of marriage. The thought of not being married (and of being alone) after sixteen years together is scary and sad, but, I think, for the best.

5. I have two years left on my bachelor's degree. The plan, right now, is that I will continue to live in the house and Greg and I will co-parent the children until I graduate. At that time, I will go to work full time and I will also move out of the house. The kids will stay in the house with their father. The kids will continue to be homeschooled with Greg as the primary one in charge of their education.

6. Since some of you will wonder (not that it's anyone's business), nothing "happened" to cause this. No one cheated, beat the kids, or anything else. This decision has been coming for a long time. We tried marriage counseling, we tried spending time together, we tried everything that we could to make things work, and probably, in reality, dragged things out for too long. Sometimes two people just aren't meant for one another. I can't explain how, if Greg and I were wrong, we were able to create three amazing, brilliant, beautiful people, but somehow we did. It is what it is. Now it's time to move on and build new lives.

When the divorce is finalized, I will be changing my name back to "Nilam Patel," so I will eventually have a new email address. My cell phone number will remain the same. I welcome (and very much appreciate) the phone calls that are just to check on me. This is a very busy semester, between school, my on-campus jobs (I am tutoring in our Math Lab and I am leading supplemental instruction sessions for two classes), and my readmission process to Rice University (more on that later), so if I can't talk, I just won't answer the phone, but if you leave me a message, unless you say, "no need to call me back," I will always call back.

As always, I thank all of the people in my life for your love and support. I don't think I would have made it this far without you.

Time4Learning Review

2011-09-01T18:24:00.000-05:00

The kids have been doing the homeschool program at time4learning.com for the last month, and now it is time for my review. (They allowed me to use the site for free from one month in return for this review.)

All three of the kids used the curriculum. As unschoolers, we let the kids pick and choose what they wanted to do, with the exception of Jasmyn--we wanted Jasmyn to focus on math and grammar as she is approaching the age when she can begin taking dual credit classes at our local community college and we are working to prepare her for that experience.

Lyla and Mason, ages 7 and (almost) 6, respectively, both loved time4learning. Lyla quickly finished the science portion of the program and Mason bounced around and did lots of different things. Jasmyn did really well with the grammar and other areas of the curriculum, but she seemed to struggle with the math. She found the explanations unclear and became frustrated when she tried to complete the exercises. I think it came down to the program not matching her learning style.

As far as the parent portion of the program, I must admit that I probably did not utilize the section to its fullest. I tended to only check the kids scores on the sections that they completed. My understanding is that there was additional tracking information available for me to use, but I did not take the time to fully explore that part of the program.

Overall, we were satisfied with the program--satisfied enough that we will continue to use Time for Learning for the kids. We will most likely let Lyla and Mason continue to bounce around and do the things that they find interesting. As far as Jasmyn is concerned, she will continue to use Time 4 Learning for grammar, but has switched to using the videos and exercises at khanacademy.org. Those seem to fit her learning style for math a little better.

Coming soon--Homeschool Curriculum Review

2011-08-01T10:43:00.001-05:00

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. Time4Learning can be used for homeschool, afterschool and summer skill sharpening. Be sure to come back and read about my experience.

Can you take a compliment?

2011-04-10T05:58:00.000-05:00

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and one of the things that we talked about is an award that I will be receiving from my school. One of my instructors told me the other day that I am receiving the Outstanding Student in Mathematics award. I am completely honored to be receiving such an award and think it is completely awesome. My teacher also told me that all four of my math teachers will be writing something about me that (I think) will be read at the awards ceremony.

So I was telling my friend this--she and I have a lot in common and oftentimes deal with situations similarly--and she asks me, "can you take a compliment?" At first I said, "oh yeah," but as I thought about it, I realized that I really can't take a compliment. If someone compliments me, I usually either try to say something like, "well, I couldn't have done it without you (or whoever)," or I will deflect the compliment with humor, by saying something to the effect of, "you're right, I am awesome," as opposed to just graciously saying, "thank you." I am really bad at taking the compliment. Really, I am much better at taking an insult or a slap in the face than I am at taking a compliment.

I wonder why that is--I'm sure that there is psychological data out there which details why people have a hard time taking compliments, but it does seem silly. If someone wants to say something nice to me, I should be able to just say thank you and appreciate the person who said it. Maybe it stems from feelings of low self-worth, or maybe it stems from my deep sense of independence--maybe in my mind, accepting a compliment is almost admitting that I need other people in my life (which is something that I don't like to admit).

I don't know for sure, but I realized that for me to really be able to accept a compliment, I have to "prepare" myself for it. To hear line after line about me (not to say that I don't love to talk about myself, but you know what I mean) might be challenging, and to stand there (hopefully I won't be on stage when it is read, but if I am, I will prepare myself to not squirm) and just graciously say thank you and thank everyone who thought I deserved such an award will most certainly take some mental preparation. I suppose that at some level this bothers me--a person should be able to take the compliment. I will have to explore this much more deeply.

Mid-life crisis?

2011-04-03T08:14:00.000-05:00

I have to say that blogging as of late has been, challenging, to say the least. At this time, I have four posts that I have started writing but have not been able to complete. I have so many things that I have wanted to write about, but have yet to do so. I guess that's why I will probably never write a book--I have some great ideas locked up in my head--one for a children's book, and another for a totally adult, raunchy book in the style of Danielle Steele...

Anyway, the title of this post is mid-life crisis, and that is what is on my mind today. By the way, the ONLY thing that should be on my mind today is differential equations, as I have a diff eq test in two days, but, amazingly, my mind is everywhere else.

I think that I have been in the midst of a mid life crisis for the last six to nine months (maybe longer). Granted, I have yet to get my belly button pierced, get a tail tat, or buy a convertible (really not interested in the convertible), but I have considered the others. I have found myself looking back at my life, wondering what I have to show for it. Yes, I know that I have three happy, healthy, beautiful children, and at many levels, I think that should be enough, but it's not. I see my children and their accomplishments, as just that--their accomplishments, and I don't believe that I can (or should) take credit for that. Yes, as their mother, I have supported the kids and I have helped them, at times, but in the end, their accomplishments are theirs. Not to mention that, in reality, Greg is really a much better "mother" than I could ever dream of being--he's the sympathetic, compassionate, nurturing, giving one, not me.

So, I wonder, who am I--what have I done with my life--what do I have to show for my life? You know, it's interesting--I just had my thirty-fifth birthday and Greg is about to have his fortieth. You would think that of the two of us, he would be the one having the mid-life crisis, but I don't think he will have a mid-life crisis--ever. Why is is that some of us put our past behind us and move on, and some of us constantly look back. The human psyche is so very complex--I know that's what makes life interesting, but some days, I would like it if life weren't quite so interesting. Of course, then I would be dissatisfied because life was boring...sigh.

Ok, time to study for my diff eq test.

Pictures

2010-12-09T22:08:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I said that I would post some pictures from a couple of years ago so that you can see where I started and where I am now. You know what, I really don't want to do this--I don't want the world to see how heavy I got. It's embarrassing, but the fact of the matter is that I got that way sitting on my rear end doing nothing but shoving food into my mouth. I have to own that and I have to own the fact that I looked the way that I looked, so here goes:

This is what I looked like two years ago (at least my cute boy makes me look a little better):

Thankfully, this is what I look like now:

I'm not quite where I want to be yet--my body fat percentage is still too high, but I'm getting close. I have also both made the lifestyle changes and put the tools in place to make permanent weight loss possible, so I have not doubt that I will get there.

In my next post, I will being to share those tools and lifestyle changes with you--it's true--if you want to sum it all up, I eat less and exercise more, but I will elaborate on the specific things that worked for me. Lots more to come.

Semester's over

2010-12-08T21:59:00.000-06:00

This was a very busy semester--not so much because of my school schedule, but more because of my schedule, mixed with Greg's schedule and the kids' schedules. Life was nuts, and I am looking forward to a few quiet weeks.

I've had lots of thoughts that would make great posts, but for the next few weeks, I am going to focus on one thing. Over the last year, I have lost a significant amount of weight (almost forty pounds) and I have gone from a size 16 to a size 4. When a person loses that kids of weight, everyone always asks, "what are you doing?" I am going to answer that question over the next few weeks, just in time for everyone to make that New Year's Resolution to lose weight :-).

Tomorrow I will post a picture from a couple of years ago--at my fattest, and I will post a current picture. I have to say that my "before" picture is embarrassing--I had no clue that I had gotten that large--well, I guess I had to have some sort of clue. I did, after all, buy the size 16 pants, but I just didn't realize it.

Stay tuned--lots more to come!

I'm back, sort of.

2010-11-27T09:26:00.000-06:00

So, I am back online--really, I never fully went offline. (Read, Hi, my name is Nilam and I am an internet addict.) Despite the fact that I am back online, I will probably not be blogging much. This next week is the last week of classes for this semester, then I have finals, about four weeks off and school starts again.

During my four week break, in addition to Christmas, New Year's and my (gasp) thirty fifth birthday, I will have another project to complete. You see, I seem to be incapable of doing anything the customary or traditional way. Allow me to explain--usually, those taking advanced mathematics classes in college take Calculus 1, Calculus 2, Calculus 3 and Differential Equations, in either that order, or they switch Cal 3 and Diff Eq. I, on the other hand, am taking Cal 1 this semester (for the second time as a refresher); next semester, I intend to take Cal 2, Diff Eq and just for good measure, I am going to throw in Linear Algebra as well. Thing is, you need techniques learned in Cal 2 for Diff Eq, so I will be spending the break teaching those techniques to myself. Thankfully, it isn't too much--just a chapter plus a few extra sections of my Calculus textbook.

Still, this probably means that there will be very little time to blog. I have a few things in mind that I want to write about, so we'll see.

Going offline

2010-10-10T17:48:00.000-05:00

I'm going offline for a while. I have no idea how long I will be gone, probably at least a few months, maybe longer...

Don't fit in, stand out

2010-08-15T16:56:00.003-05:00

I recently joined a new forum (intjforum.com). This one's topic is personality type, specifically introverted intuitive with thinking personality type. Current estimates say that the percentage of Americans with this personality type (INTJ) is in the single digits, I've seen anywhere from 3-7%, and of those, the majority (I think the last thing I saw was approximately 2/3) are male. The T in INTJ refers to thinking, which refers to logic driven. Most women, on the other hand are feelers, which has NOTHING to do with emotion; rather it is referring to values driven.

Anyway, this post is not about personality type. The data referred to above is simply to say that growing up, I never felt like I fit--my personality was obviously different from most other girls I knew (and boys too, for that matter); I was a child of immigrants, which meant that my family didn't get the whole thing with wearing the right clothes, having the right hair, or anything. I suppose that even to this day, I look for places where I feel like I fit.

I've tried many different things--mom's clubs, play groups, homeschooling groups, and while I have certainly found camaraderie and friendship in some of these places (you know who you are), in most, the feeling of "not fitting" has continued. So, a couple of days ago, when I was in a bit of a low spot, I joined the intjforum. I figured that if there was any place where I might fit it, it would be there--with a bunch of other people who probably felt like they never fit anywhere either.

I posted my introduction and said that I was trying to figure out what to do with my life and looking for a place where I fit. I received a response from someone that said, "don't fit in, stand out." What an epiphany that was! I'm sure that the person who is always like everyone else looks for ways to stand out, and the person who naturally stands out looks for ways to fit in. Truth is, I like to be different--I like to stand out, so I think I'll stop trying to fit in and just stand out instead.

Oh, and by the way, my favorite Harry Potter character, Severus Snape, is an INTJ too.

This blog series is officially dead

2010-08-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

I had great intentions when I started the anniversary blog series, but it just hasn't happened. Parts of it have been extremely challenging, as is evidenced by the fact that I have missed days on end more than once. Add to that the fact that at the moment, I'm just not in a good place. Life is...challenging right now. I am hoping that I feel this way right now because I have been under an awful lot of stress the last two weeks--finals, the play, friends coming to town, all of which (other than my final) were wonderful, but tiring--and after getting a good night's sleep, which I have not had in days, I will feel differently. If I do, I may pick up the series for the rest of the week--we'll see.

Playing catch-up

2010-08-01T20:30:00.001-05:00

Ok, now I am six posts behind, meaning that to get caught up, I have to do seven posts (or post on seven different things today). I don't know that I will be able to do that tonight--I'm tired, as I always seem to be tired these days, and I have had a really bad day. Maybe I am the only mother who feels this way, but I have had a day where I just don't like being a mother--the kids have been very difficult today. This next week is probably going to be the hardest week of the entire summer--all of the normal stuff, dress rehearsal for Jasmyn's play on Tuesday, my final on Wednesday, and performances on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday--what a week. I've got to get myself through my final, then I'll deal with the rest.

So, I'll start with something that I like about Greg. Last week (starting with last weekend, I think) was a very hard week. We had several ugly fights. Mean things were said (by me) and it was probably one of our worst times as of late. I did not think that we were going to be able to work this one out on our own, so I tried to schedule a session with our counselor. She was, unfortunately, booked, but I did have an appointment scheduled with my counselor. She and I worked through my issues, which helped me to see things more clearly. After my session, Greg and I were able to talk and eventually work things out; he chose to forgive the mean things that I said. This is something that I like about Greg--while I have a tendency to hold grudges until the roaches go extinct, Greg is forever forgiving--a nice quality to have.

Next something that I like about myself--I am an information junkie. I love to learn new things and just sit and think about stuff. I have mentioned that I am a very strong introvert (an introverted intuitive, in Jungian terms)--for me, that means that the majority of my life plays out inside of my head. Many people might consider introversion to be a weakness--to so many it is synonymous with shyness or poor social skills, but introversion really has nothing to do with shyness or social skills. I admit, while I didn't know what it was called, I hated being an introvert when I was a school child--for me that meant that I did not want to sit with other children during lunch--I wanted to sit alone and read or daydream, but that simply couldn't happen, and during recess (along with my absolute lack of coordination), I wanted to sit and watch the other kids play. Our society really does not understand introversion, which is ironic, considering that approximately half of the population is introverted, but I love my introversion. Now that I understand it, I know that it really is one of my greatest strengths.

So, I really have not enjoyed being a mother today. I was so stressed out that I drove forty minutes each way to my favorite restaurant to get chocolate cake. (I know that I have mentioned that I am an emotional eater.) Still, even on days like this, I know that I do like being a mother. One of the coolest things about being a mother (if not the coolest thing) is that I get to sit and watch these little people develop first hand. Remember a few weeks ago how I was complaining about meal times? Well, the kids don't necessarily eat any better (Mason does like grilled cheese sandwiches now, which is an accomplishment), but now, they eat their requisite bites, leave the table and wait until the next meal if they don't like dinner--that is progress. Today for lunch I made brisket, scalloped potatoes and broccoli. Oddly enough, both Lyla and Mason only ate the broccoli--weird, but I'll take it. So, the point of this rabbit trail is to say that they are making progress. Mason will now taste food without complaining--progress and development. He also loves doing puzzles of any kind right now--development. Lyla also loves doing puzzles, but the coolest thing there is that she has mostly learned how to read this summer--way cool, too. Jasmyn, well, she has been on my nerves lately, but she is learning how to control her emotions. She is one of those kids who will start crying if you say, "boo," to her, but she has been working on controlling her responses--progress. Hey, guess what--this last paragraph counts as something that I like about motherhood--getting to watch these little people develop, something that I like about Mason--that he will taste food without complaining, something that I like about Lyla--watching her do puzzles and read, and something I like about Jasmyn--that she is growing up and learning to control her emotions. Who-hoo--that makes this a six part post so far.

Now I need to talk about something that I like about being married. I admit, this has probably been the most difficult topic to write about, and I find myself struggling at times to come up with things to write about. One thing that I know that I like about the idea of marriage, though is the idea of having someone to live life with. Don't get me wrong--there are definitely days (and weeks and months) when living life alone in solitude sounds very nice, but for the most part, I see the value and the benefit in the social side of life. A person can have a great social life with friends, but nothing compares to the kind of side by side life that one can build with a spouse, and this is something that I like about being married.

So, that's seven--the things that I like about each of the kids might be a stretch, but I am counting them--it's my blog and I make the rules. I'm sure that I will get behind again this week, but the point of this is to force myself to see the good sides of my life as it stands today, and I think that I am accomplishing that.

Good night.

Oh goodness!

2010-07-28T19:55:00.002-05:00

I don't think that I am taking this series of posts very seriously. I am now again, three posts behind, and I really don't feel like posting tonight. It's been a crazy day that started at 7 am and just ended (since I got the kids to bed.) It's time for me to sit on the bed and veg out watching tv. I guess that I will be writing four posts tomorrow.

My babies

2010-07-26T20:15:00.000-05:00

So, I have now missed three posts in my "Life" series, which means that I need four posts for today to catch up. You know, I really hate getting behind and having to play catch-up--UGH. Well, I won't make excuses for myself (even though I have some good ones). Today will be a three in one post--one thing that I like about Jasmyn, Lyla and Mason.

I'll start with Jasmyn. You know how I love food and that I love to bake and eat baked goods. Here's a little secret--Jasmyn is a much better baker than me--yes, I admit it. Baking is as much, maybe more, chemistry and science as it is cooking, so you really need to follow instructions very precisely if you want a superb baked good. My problem is that I improvise--if the recipe calls for two egg yolks, well one whole egg will do (it really won't). If the recipe calls for butter that has been softened at room temperature--thirty seconds in the microwave will get the job done for me, but Jasmyn follows instructions to a tee. Her baked goods are excellent (better than even mine).

Of my three children, Lyla is my rule follower. Not to say that she never disobeys--she most certainly disobeys, but if I say "the next time you do X, the punishment will be Y," Lyla remembers and will oftentimes not break the rule. Having a rule follower in the family is awfully nice.

I am incredibly impressed with Mason today. He has been learning how to swim this summer. Mason is extremely attached to his sisters, so at least one of them has always gone to his swimming lesson with him, but I realized that the girls were distracting him from focusing on his coach, so yesterday he went to his swimming lesson with just Mommy. He was told that he could not talk to Mommy--that he had to ignore me and if he did not, I would go and sit in the van during his lesson. I know he was scared yesterday--he started crying when we were getting ready to leave the house and he started crying at his lesson, but he fought through his fear and did so well yesterday. He, after just a couple of months of swimming lessons twice a week can swim pretty good freestyle. I don't normally put pictures of the kid's faces on the internet, but I think you should see him swim, so here's a video. You can hear his fear and hear him working so hard to stay calm.

Where have I been?

2010-07-25T15:47:00.004-05:00

Yes, I know that I have missed two posts and I might not write my post for today either. I'm flat out exhausted--haven't and just don't feel like it right now. Maybe later...

Bundle of energy

2010-07-22T19:44:00.000-05:00

Who am I referring to--definitely not myself. Mason--maybe. Lyla--less likely, but perhaps. Jasmyn or Greg--unlikely. No, I am referring to Dancer. One of my favorite things is to watch Dancer play with his squeakie ball all by himself. He will toss the ball into the air, sometimes catch it, run around, maybe have a puppy zoomie (where he runs full speed). It's just fun to watch.

Of course, even the bundle of energy runs out of energy at times. In those moments, this is what we see:

What an amazing dog!

Taste of Texas

2010-07-21T20:48:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how I love food? Thought so. Tonight we went out to our very favorite restaurant--Taste of Texas. Every time I go there, I order the same thing--the Beef Tenderloin Salad. It's a salad with mixed greens, avocado, grilled beef tenderloin, spicy caramelized almonds, and the absolute best cilantro vinaigrette. I always add sun dried tomatoes and grape tomatoes from the salad bar--YUM. I could eat this salad every single day, probably more than once. The tenderloin is just perfect--tender and marinated in a Worcestershire sauce marinade--just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

I've been in Pearland for almost three years, now. Before moving to Pearland, I lived in College Station (Whoop!), and I admit, I still want to move back at times. It's not that I don't like where I live, and I have more friends who I hang out with than I had in College Station, but College Station still feels like home. There are, however, benefits to being here in Pearland. While I do not like Houston traffic, I do love Houston restaurants. I could probably rattle off a dozen restaurants within forty five minutes of my house that I love and that are not in College Station.

Food--my first love and my favorite drug--there are lots of fixes for my addiction here--something that I have to say that I like about my life.

Why do we do the things we do?

2010-07-20T15:21:00.001-05:00

You know what--I'm a bit upset with myself at the moment. Today I came home from taking the kids to our biweekly homeschool game day completely exhausted. We took a friend's son with us today, so I had one extra kid, but that wasn't why I was tired. I was really tired because I have had a couple of stressful days, and I realized that I hadn't really had any alone time recently. Greg and I are spending more time together in the evenings (which is a good thing) and we are going to bed together (another good thing), but that means that I have not had the time with myself that I became very accustomed to having.

So when Greg came home, I told him that I would really like to have a couple of hours of alone time each week, preferably at home, and if we did that, the house really needed to be picked up before they all left. The reason is that if the house is a mess, I will be bugged by it and want to spend my time cleaning up. We figured out a time each week when this should be possible, but Greg went a step further and said that he could take the kids to Chick-fil-a to get some ice cream and play this afternoon, so that I could get some time. I accepted the offer and went to my coffee shop to buy some coffee beans. While I was gone, Greg, Lyla and Mason picked up the house and then Greg pulled out the vacuum to clean the floor. I hadn't intended for them to clean house today, let alone to vacuum, but Greg took my request and need very seriously, and he went out of his way to meet my need.

This is the person who I am married to, who I have spent the last fours years devaluing and angry with. There are, of course, other legitimate reasons for my anger, and I am not angry anymore, but it frustrates me that this person whose desire is to meet me needs and take care of me was treated this way by none other than me. In our family, I am the one who holds grudges and Greg is the one who forgives. I think that needs to change (and it is changing--I forgive much faster now). So, I'm a little mad at myself today, but I must say that I really value and appreciate the fact that my husband cares so much about me and so deeply wants to meet my needs.

Driven to...

2010-07-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

I have had a day today. I really don't feel like going through it all again, but the fact of the matter is that I am tired and stressed. I really want to eat some ice cream, or at the very least, some queso. Just in the case that you missed my post about it, I am an emotional eater--I like to eat when I am stressed. I don't binge, or greatly overeat, but I don't control what I eat like I do when I am not eating emotionally. Sadly, I am not eating any junk right now--sigh. Maybe I'll run to the store in a bit and see if they have Haagen Dazs chocolate sorbet. That's really good stuff, and it's not too bad calorie-wise.

In the last few weeks, I have noticed something about my son--well, maybe I did not notice it for the first time, but it has really become evident recently. If there is something that is important to Mason, he is driven to do it. If Mason wants a cup of milk, he will ask for the milk, I will say yes, and before I can get out of my seat, he will run to the kitchen, get a cup and get the milk out of the fridge. I wish I could come up with another example--maybe I will update this entry later when I am not so tired (and thinking clearly again).

Mason's drive is amazing to me. I know many adults who don't have half of the drive that Mason has, and his drive, while annoying at times, is something that I truly love about Mason.

American society

2010-07-18T14:58:00.002-05:00

You know, there are many things about American society that I do not like. I really cannot stand our political climate--not because I am a Republican (gasp--I'm not a Democrat either)--rather because I think there are just too many laws and I think the government intrudes far too much into our lives. Seriously, (I'm going to ruffle some feathers, here) does the government really need to tell adults that they have to wear their seat belts? (I'm not saying that because I don't want to wear a seat belt--I always wear mine because I like to be alive.) If a grown adult wants to do something that might harm only themselves, then let them--it improves the gene pool. I also really do not like how impersonal our society has become--I can't believe that I am saying that considering how introverted I am, but I would much rather make a phone call instead of sending an email. When you are speaking to someone, if there are any misunderstandings, you work it out right then. In an email, there are times when the reader thinks that the sender meant something that they did not, which can lead to some pretty big misunderstandings.

Even though I complain about it an awful lot, the thing that I like about American society is that middle class Americans have many opportunities, even today with the overbearing tax system (sorry--had to say it.) One school of thought in psychology is that of Abraham Maslow. He developed his hierarchy of human needs, arranged like a pyramid.

At the bottom of the pyramid are the most basic human needs--food, water, etc., and at the top are the more cerebral needs--creativity, understanding, thinking. If you know me, you know that I have a great need for self-actualization--in fact, I say that my greatest desire in life is to know and be able to master myself. I am grateful for the fact that my basic, lower level needs are met, and I have the ability to focus on the higher level needs. I know that in many parts of the world, including in my native India (and parts of the United States), people have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. I do not. I have the luxury of spending my time in school or reading a book to learn something--not to learn something to complete a job, but to learn something simply for the sake of learning it. That is a luxury and a privilege--one that is afforded to me by the American society that I am so good at complaining about. That does not mean that I love the political climate or that I love the impersonal nature of our society, but I do love the opportunities that it affords me. My life is a good life--sure, I would love to have more money, to have a live in nanny, be skinnier, more beautiful, or many other things, but on the whole, I can't complain.

The joy of children

2010-07-17T21:08:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how bedtime rolls around and all of a sudden, the children are plagued by injuries, fear and anything else that requires that they get out of bed to come and see me or Greg. But the fact of the matter is that regardless of how annoying and irritating the children are, I adore them and I love being their mother. For today's post, I am going to tell you about some of the adorable things that my children do. I wish I could post audio (I'm sure I can, but I don't have any audio to post).

Mason has two absolutely adorable things that he says. I love it when he says, "I knew it." Of course there are inflections that I can't reproduce in writing, but he draws out the I and says knew-it really fast, almost as one word. It also cracks me up when he gets annoyed with Lyla. He says, "Ly-laaaaaa," again he draws the whole thing out, but it is that condescending tone--hilarious.

Lyla, even though she is six, still calls her dad DaDa if she is asking for something and she has the sweetest way of saying, "Mo-mmyyy," again, drawing it out--so sweet, and she is so good about saying the perfect comment at the perfect time--she really has a great sense of humor.

Jasmyn is coming into her own, so I can't talk about the cute, baby-ish things that she does. What I can say is that she is really very helpful and everyone says that she is such a delight to be around. (I know that she is a delight to be around, but she is twelve and I am her mother--enough said.)

My children make life fun--they also complicate life and make it impossible for me to do exactly what I want to do in the course of a day, but that's life. While I love the quiet of an empty house, I can't stand it for long--it's too quiet and too empty. I love my children and I love being their mother.

Transparency

2010-07-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's time to write my blog post for yesterday. I think my progress here pretty much sums up my summer--one step behind at all times. I know that everyone talks about how busy they are--in reality, I try to keep my life pretty quiet. I am not one of those people who likes to be going all of the time--I like my down time at home. This summer, though, has ended up to be extremely busy. I have class two mornings a week, Jasmyn has play practice four afternoons a week, I teach a class one morning a week, have weekly personal training, play group for Lyla and Mason, homeschool game day every other Tuesday morning, and swimming lessons on Saturday and Sunday evenings. In addition, Greg has his stuff and we are trying to spend as much time together in the evenings after the kids go to bed as possible. This summer is far too busy for me--I can't wait until August 8--after the play is over most of the busyness ends. We have a few things going on--anniversary, couple of other activities, but class is over for two weeks and no more play practice.

So, back to the blog. Last night, Greg and I had a fairly lengthy (and difficult) conversation. We were discussing some of the deeper remaining issues--some of which could still be deal breakers for our marriage. The difficult part of it was that we are doing so much better--communicating effectively for the first time in fifteen years. We have been unhappy for four years now, so the fact that we are enjoying our times together is a phenomenal accomplishment. And yet, there is still an issue that threatens to shatter it all. So while we had a great conversation last night, I know that I left it somewhat sad because of this one remaining issue.

Through this, though, I saw something that I can appreciate about marriage--transparency. I don't know how you define transparency, but to me transparency does not mean that you say whatever is on your mind. I think it would be mean for Greg to tell me that my new dress that I just love makes me look really fat (not that he would--he wouldn't lie, but he also wouldn't be mean), or for me to tell him that I just hate his haircut. To me, transparency is more of showing who you are--not hiding who or what you are behind a prettier mask. Transparency is just being--a what you see is what you get kind of thing. Now, in my case, that just isn't reality--my extreme introversion means (to me) that the world sees only pieces of me--and really, I am far too private of a person to want the world to see all of me. But that doesn't mean that I don't want ANYONE to see me for what I really am. I want to be known--I want those people in my life who can say, "that just isn't you."

I know that, among women at least (I have no clue about men), that we have (or can have) those types of relationships with our very close friends. I also think that marriage is the one relationship where true transparency is possible. While friendships can certainly be very intimate relationships, your friends don't live with you--they don't see you when you get out of bed in the morning and they don't smell your morning breath. Your spouse does. My definition of true intimacy is openness--being who you are, period. I know that in my experience, even in my closest friendships, there are parts of myself that I keep to myself. I even do it in my marriage, at times even more so than in my friendships, but I would never claim that our marriage had been healthy at those times--heck it's not healthy now, but it's getting there.

I think that we all have parts of ourselves that we are not proud of (I'm not proud of the fact that I yell at the kids), and before we can be completely open, we must come to terms with those parts of ourselves and allow them to show--this requires a fairly high level of emotional health. The people who you reveal those parts of yourself to could judge you--they could even reject you--and you have to be healthy enough to deal with that. I'm not saying that the marriage relationship is free from judgment--it can be very judgmental, in fact. No, what I am saying is that the marriage relationship is one that you should have enough invested in to be transparent--to accept yourself and your faults, and risk the pain of being rejected or judged for being transparent. Marriage forces you to grow because transparency is a risk, but this is a great part of marriage because it makes you a better person.

Not tonight...

2010-07-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

So I guess that this series is going to end up where I write two posts every other day...sigh. I really can't blog tonight. Greg and I had a pretty heavy conversation tonight and I just don't have it in me. You will get two posts tomorrow. Good night.

Is this writer's block?

2010-07-15T19:06:00.000-05:00

I am supposed to write two blog posts today, but I just can't seem to get any inspiration. Well, maybe I can come up with something now. So, my nine topics to choose from are: things I like about myself, things I like about being married, things I like about being a mother, things I like about Greg, Jasmyn, Lyla, Mason and Dancer, and things I like about my life. So far, I've written two posts about things that I like about Jasmyn, Greg, Dancer, and myself and one about everything else.

Ok, I'll combine two posts into this one. First, something that I like about Lyla. She is very verbal--in fact, of my three kids, she has been the one to speak the most and the earliest to speak understandably. I remember one time when Lyla was about three--she came up to me and said, "I just don't know what I am going to do with my life." I responded by telling Lyla that she had a long time to figure that one out. This is something that I love about Lyla--she is introspective and she is a big thinker (not a thinker in the Jungian sense, rather, she just likes to think.) There are times that you can look at Lyla and you just know that she is deep in thought. I suspect that of my three children, she is the introvert, but only time will tell. Lyla's introspectiveness is one of my favorite things about her. I hope to someday know more of what is going on in that head of hers, but knowing myself, I doubt it.

Now to write about Mason. He is an extremely physical kid. He learned to ride a two wheeler (no training wheels) before he even turned four; he can ride a scooter better than me (not saying much) and he can swim freestyle and is working on side breathing. If it is physical and requires coordination, Mason can probably do it. He is incredibly strong--just try to wrestle with him. Now, I don't care if Mason ever plays football or any other sport, but it is fun to watch him play outside. It is especially fun to watch him ride his bike (and to race him around the cul de sac--believe it or not, he almost always wins and I never let him win.) Mason is just fun to play with and fun to be with. In addition to the physical stuff, Mason loves to play games--board games, card games, any game. He now plays chess and Risk and is pretty good at both. The fact that he is just fun makes it fun to be his mother (which is a good thing, because his drive can be challenging at times).

Again??

2010-07-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

I realize this is becoming a bad habit, but I am, again, too tired to write. I tried--I really did--but I just don't have it in me to write tonight. So, until tomorrow...

Sweet slumber

2010-07-13T11:01:00.000-05:00

So last night, Jasmyn had her very first slumber party. One of our dear friends (mom is my friend, daughter is Jasmyn's friend) is moving to Tennessee soon and Jasmyn really wanted her friend to come to her birthday party, but her birthday isn't until October and I just couldn't get it together this early. (It's Jasmyn's thirteenth, so while we don't normally do birthday parties, I wanted to do something special this time.)

The slumber party was my way of letting Jasmyn and her friends have a party all together with Mary (the one who is moving). Last night I took all of the girls to see Karate Kid, then we went to the store to get snacks and came home. The girls did all of the typical girl things--they painted their nails, watched a movie and did God only knows what else. I had a glass of sangria and went to bed.

I have to say, it was fun having everyone over. I think that the kids all had a good time, too. This was our first time to host a slumber party, and I must say that I think we will do it again, someday. I know that the coming years will be challenging, what with one child becoming a teenager and two others approaching adolescence, but I think it will be fun. It's hard to believe that by the time Lyla is Jasmyn's age, Jasmyn will be ready to leave home (or will be in college). Wow--it seems like Lyla has gone from a baby to six so fast--I can't believe that it will be just as fast for Jasmyn to grow from twelve to eighteen.

Motherhood is hard; it's a challenge; there are moments where I look into the mirror and ask myself why I had children, but motherhood is also fun. I can't quite explain what was so fun about it, but it was fun letting Jasmyn have friends spend the night--I think that it was fun to watch her have fun. Motherhood is not enough to satisfy me--I need more in life than to be Jasmyn, Lyla, and Mason's mother and Greg's wife--I need me, too, but motherhood is a part of life that I do truly enjoy.

Soft and cuddly

2010-07-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

So, this is officially a cop-out. Today's post is about something that I love about Dancer. He is a poodle (obviously). One of my favorite things about poodles is that they are so soft and cuddly. I love having Dancer next to me on the couch where I can just stroke his fur--it feels so good.

Tomorrow's post will be better--I had a test this morning, an eye doctor appointment after that, playgroup for Lyla and Mason, took five girls to see a movie, and now have five girls sleeping over at my house (well, four extra, but five with my one), so I need to get some rest.

Free to be...

2010-07-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

So I was too tired yesterday to post, and really, I am even more tired today. Jasmyn has four friends over for a slumber party tonight--God help us.

Yesterday I learned something new about Jasmyn. It's not that I haven't seen this trait before, but I saw it in a new way. I am one of those people who does not really like to try too many new things--I don't like to sing in public (because I can't sing) and I don't like to dance or do anything that I think I will look stupid doing. I am far too self-conscious to take a chance at looking stupid.

So I was watching Jasmyn yesterday and she was singing and dancing, just being herself with absolutely no fear of looking stupid or singing off key. Jasmyn was just being Jasmyn and Jasmyn is an animated, demonstrative person who likes to sing and dance. It's nice to see a person (especially a twelve year old girl) so free to be who she is. This trait is something that I really like about Jasmyn.

It's too late again...

2010-07-11T22:03:00.001-05:00

I have had a couple of late nights and I have a test in the morning. I can't really even think right now, let alone write. I suppose that I will have to post twice tomorrow, I hope. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day--class in the morning, eye doctor appointment, play group after that, and tomorrow evening, Jasmyn is having some friends over for a slumber party. I'm taking the girls to the movies, too. What a day!

The grocery shopping

2010-07-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, believe it or not, grocery shopping does relate to something that I like about my life, and no, it is not because I buy the food that I love to eat at the grocery store. I do, but I also buy the food that I love to eat at Dairy Queen, Del Pueblo (an awesome local Mexican restaurant), and at tons of other great restaurants around Houston.

The reason that I referred to grocery shopping in the title of this post is because it is indicative of something unique in my life--well not totally unique, but not so common either. In my family, Greg does most of the grocery shopping. If we want to get creative with what we are eating and want to try new things, then it is best for me to go to the grocery store, but if we just need to restock the fridge and pantry with the current staples, then Greg is far better at grocery shopping.

When I go to the store, I like to casually wander the aisles, look at new interesting products, think about what I could do with new things that I find--all in all, a shopping trip takes me about two hours--and that's if I go alone. I wouldn't dare go to the grocery store with the kids--maybe to pick up milk, but if I am really grocery shopping, I MUST go alone.

I never really thought too much of our setup--what with Greg doing the grocery shopping and all, but last night, when I had friends over, we were talking about something and I mentioned something about Greg doing the grocery shopping (it was a example to illustrate my point), and both of my friends said that they couldn't get past the fact that Greg does the shopping. I guess I never thought about how lucky I am that my husband does the grocery shopping for me. That's something that I like and admire about Greg--no it is not that he does the grocery shopping--it's that Greg is willing to do whatever needs to be done. That's just part of who he is. Greg's natural tendency is to take too much upon himself, and he is working on that, but it is nice to be married to someone who is willing to just do things that he doesn't like simply because they need to be done.

My true love

2010-07-09T20:18:00.002-05:00

No, sadly it is not Greg, Jasmyn, Lyla, Mason, or Dancer. My true love is something that I have most likely loved for my entire life--food. Yes, I love food. My favorite thing to do when Greg and I go out is to go to a really great restaurant. I love everything about food--the taste, the texture. At the moment, I'm imagining chewing a tender, buttery bite of filet mignon, or the rich creaminess of a fluffy bite of chocolate mousse.

Yes, my love affair with food was responsible for me "growing" to the lovely weight of more that 154 pounds. (I'm 5'2".) I actually think that I got bigger than that, but I did not own a scale at the time. For the record, I am far from 154 pounds today, thanks to eating well and the amazing personal training staff at Method Evolution. I've still got a little farther to go, but I'm getting there.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to say that something that I absolutely love about myself--I am a dang good cook. I have friends coming over tonight, so I made some goodies for us. As of right now, I have made Caramelized Onion dip (recipe to follow), from scratch, Hummus (sort of from scratch--the chickpeas were from a can), chocolate mousse, and chicken spaghetti for dinner (from scratch--no cream of whatever soup allowed), and it was all yummy. The onion dip, I could eat with a spoon for dessert--I really can't wait until my friends get here so that I can break into it.

I don't really cook from recipes. I bake from recipes, sort of, because that is really important--baking is more chemistry than cooking, but when I cook, I might use a recipe as a starting point, but I never follow it exactly. That's why I always say that I can never make the exact same dish twice, because I am what I call an intuitive cook--I add a little of this and a little of that until it tastes right. I can usually sit down and estimate what I used, like I did with the onion dip, but exact measurements--forget it.

So, here's the "recipe" for the onion dip that I made today. It's surprising sweet, even though I added no sugar at all, because of the caramelized onions. I warn you, though, it's addictive, and you, too might find yourself sitting with the bowl of onion dip and a spoon.

Caramelized Onion Dip

8 ounces Neufchatel cheese

8 ounces light sour cream (I use ONLY Daisy brand)

1 large onion, roughly chopped

dash worcestershire sauce

Black pepper to taste

Place the onion in a saute pan that has been sprayed with cooking spray over medium heat and saute for a minute or two. Lower the heat to low, cover and cook, stirring frequently, until the onions are a nice golden brown (twenty minutes or more). You might need to turn the heat up a little, but don't walk away if you do or you will likely burn the onions. Set aside to cool.

While the onions are cooking, combine the Neufchatel cheese and sour cream in a bowl. (You can use full fat cheese and sour cream if you want, but I used the light--NOT fat free--and though it was great.) With a hand mixer, blend to combine. When the onions are cool, add them to the bowl and use a hand blender to slightly puree if you want a chunky texture or until it is the desired consistency. Alternatively, you can use a food processor to blend the cream cheese and sour cream and to puree the onions. Chill in the fridge for a few hours. When the dip is cold, it will thicken nicely.

Serve with pita chips, potato chips, or just eat with a spoon.

I think therefore I am...

2010-07-08T22:18:00.001-05:00

For my new series, I decided that I would blog about nine different topics. To date, I have blogged about eight of them, which leaves something that I like about myself. I would not have thought that it would be so difficult to write about something that I like about myself--not that I don't like myself, or that I can't single out a single thing that I like about myself--rather, every strength that I see in myself is also at times a weakness.

So, I'll answer that famous interview question--what do I consider to be my greatest strength and what do I consider to be my greatest weakness. The answer--I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. My brain is always going. That is both my greatest strength and weakness. It's strength because I am always looking to learn and grow, but it is a weakness because I don't know what to do with myself when I don't have something to learn about and I am a total grump when I get bored. (Read, I mope like a three year old.) Today was one of those days when I moped, because I was bored and tired (and when I am bored and tired, I like to eat.) Thankfully, I worked my way through it and the day turned out ok. I ended up buying a new board game, Sequence, for the family that we all enjoy. If you like board games, you might want to give it a try. It was lots of fun.

Complexities

2010-07-08T10:22:00.000-05:00

Personalities are very complex. One of my major interests right now is Jungian personality theory--introversion, extraversion (yes that is the correct spelling), sensation, intuition, thinking (objectivity) and feeling (subjectivity). The ways that these different functions combine in each of our pysches and how they affect our everyday actions and interaction with others is amazing.

Now that Jasmyn is almost thirteen (God help us all), I am beginning to see the many complexities in her. She loves people and thrives in social settings, but loves to escape to her room (with Dancer) to read or work on a project alone. She loves to read, do art work, act, crochet, weave and sew (all artsy stuff), but she also finds long division fun. She still struggles with responsibility and discipline (don't we all), but she has an amazing personality--one that I admit I do not appreciate enough--you know, like when I walk into her room and it looks like wreckage from a tornado.

I look froward to watching Jasmyn's personality develop and feel certain that once we get past the things that cause mothers and daughters strife, we will have a very special relationship. My favorite thing about Jasmyn is that she is so very forgiving. Jasmyn is a special person, and I look forward to seeing the adult that she develops into.

It's just too late...

2010-07-07T22:47:00.002-05:00

Greg and I went to the movies tonight (alone) and after it was over, at nine pm, we decided to go to Cracker Barrel to get a late dinner. I'm very tired, so today's "Life" post will just have to wait to until tomorrow. I need to go to sleep.

Strength and justice

2010-07-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

Seeing how I spent most of yesterday's post railing against Lyla, I think it only fair that today's post mention not one, but two things that I admire about my girl. Maybe you remember in March 2009, the piggy tales--aka the posts about Lyla's pinky finger being broken and operated on, and my post last March about her pulled teeth. Lyla went through these two traumatic experiences and she showed the world (and me) that she was an example of strength and grace under pressure. I never knew that my girl was so strong.

Lyla, even though she is only six, has a strong sense of justice. God forbid if she thinks that I have been mean or unfair to Jasmyn or Mason. (I admit, I have a temper.) If Lyla thinks that I have been unfair, she gets just as angry with me as you would expect the one who had been wronged to be.

Lyla is really a remarkable young lady. I believe that of my three, she is the introvert, so I also believe that there are huge parts of who Lyla is that we do not (and may not) see. She definitely can drive me nuts, but she adds something exceptional to my life.

I'm much better now

2010-07-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

You know, I almost deleted yesterday's post--it makes it sound like my attitude about my children just stinks. I admit it--some days I do have a terrible attitude about one (or more than one) of my children. It just seems like they have this gift to frustrate me to no end. At the same time, they also seem to have the gift to make me feel like I am the luckiest person in the world.

I don't feel that way at the moment--I'm still frustrated about my children's pickyness, but I am not so upset anymore. Mason has always been a picky eater, even as a baby, but Lyla has not always been this difficult. I don't know if we created this problem or if she is just being stubborn, but the new family rule is you either eat what is made for you or you go hungry--period--no exceptions.

We'll see how it goes...

Why do mealtimes always have to be so miserable?

2010-07-05T18:41:00.002-05:00

Update: 7/6/2010
To set the record straight--I don't mind taking the kids to the restroom when we are at a restaurant, but it gets old when Lyla "needs" to go every single time we go out (which is sometimes frequently), and especially when it is either the second time in a single meal, or if she all of a sudden needs to go when I state that I am going to the ladies' room. I know that this post makes it sound like I have a terrible attitude about my children (thus the reason why I almost deleted this post this morning). I really don't, but I do get incredibly frustrated with the kids sometimes--I think that is just human (and being a parent of a 4, 6 and 12 year old.)

Ok, I admit it--dinner time is my least favorite time of the day. One of two things happens (unless I make one of the three, yes, three, meals that all three children will eat)--either we go out to a restaurant and I end up having to take Lyla to the restroom at least once, and often twice during the meal, usually right after my food arrives; or I make dinner at home and Lyla looks at it, then lies and says, "I'm not hungry." (I make her come back and stand in front of me until she fesses up to lying, but I digress.)

Granted, Mason doesn't like most food either, but if I put food on his plate and tell him he has to eat it, he will, just to get it over with, usually without complaining. Lyla, on the other hand, whines, complains, sighs--makes the meal outright miserable. I'm about to the point of putting her on a bread and water diet. As it stands, when I make dinner (unless it is homemade pizza, macaroni and cheese or pasta alfredo), she goes hungry anyway, because she refuses to eat.

I think the girl needs a good dose of hunger. I really don't know what to do, but I leave almost every family meal at home so mad at Lyla that I don't even want to look at her. That's bad, I know, but I'm sick of making food for her to turn her nose up at.

I suppose that Lyla's strength is a good thing, but I can't be thankful for it right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to update this post and say that I am thankful for it, but right now, I am just mad about it. I do however, like the fact that Mason just eats his dinner (the part that he has to eat), without complaining. That's part of who he is--he gets done what he has to do so that he can move on with life--what a great trait to have!

Good conversation with a loved one

2010-07-04T22:50:00.001-05:00

Guess what I did tonight--Greg and I sat in the living room and talked--not about the weather, but about deep things--religion, philosophy--big stuff. These are the kinds of conversations that would have landed us in a fight a year ago, but we easily spent two hours talking about these things, and it was exciting and exhilarating. Yes, I know, I am utterly boring :-) This is one thing that I love about being married--having someone who I can sit and enjoy a stimulating cerebral conversation with.

(I know that was short, but Greg and I did spend the last two hours talking--it's late and I need to go to bed.) Happy Independence Day!

Friends

2010-07-03T21:53:00.002-05:00

Today I want to write about a part of my life that is outside of my marriage, outside of my children and family, and even outside of myself--that is, my friends. To give a little background, I didn't really have any friends growing up. Yes, I had the group of requisite "friends," that every school child is supposed to have--the people who I sat with at lunch and who I walked the halls with, but I didn't have anyone who I shared any part of myself with.

You see, I was an awkward child. I didn't get "fashion" (still don't really get it), and even if I did, there was no way that my parents would spend the money to buy me Guess jeans. (Did I just date myself?) My parents were immigrants from India, and my mother was mentally ill, so jeans--last thing on their list of priorities. Add to that the fact that not only was my mother mentally ill (and people who didn't know that still knew that there was something wrong with her) and had no concept of manners or social graces. Again, not an important thing in India. On top of that, I am a strong introverted intuitive, so my life is lived primarily inside of my head.

As a child, I never really knew how to make friends and I certainly never learned how to make small talk. To this day, one of my worst nightmares would be to go to a party with a hundred people who I don't know. When it comes to relationships, I am all about depth--I want a handful of friends who I know well and who know me. Amazingly, today I have that. I have one friend who is probably the wisest person I have ever met; I have a couple of other groups of friends who I like to get together with and just hang out or talk, and then there is my dear friend who I view as more of a sister than a friend. (I have a sister, but we have no relationship.)

I really must say that I have many wonderful relationships as part of my life today. I still can't say that small talk is my favorite thing to do, but I have learned how to make small talk. I would not ever want to be one of those people with a hundred friends, but I am very happy with my dozen or so friends. A handful of them know me well enough to say to me, "we did this, but I don't think that would be your thing." It's nice to know that there are people out there who actually know me these days.

Do I really have to?

2010-07-02T16:55:00.004-05:00

So I said yesterday when I introduced this post that I would do five posts on each of the nine things that I listed, but I would post about whatever I felt like posting (or needed to post) about each day. I didn't know that I would be challenged so soon.

This afternoon Greg did something that I found very annoying. I'm not mad--I'm not even really frustrated anymore--still a little annoyed, but okay. Still, we have been "off" since then, so I really should post about something that I admire about Greg, but I just DON'T want to at the moment.

This is like one of those days when I know I should do my workout but I just don't feel like it. Here's the thing--when I do it, I feel better, but when I don't I feel crappy. This is an exercise in choosing to do the right thing--you know, like driving right on past Dairy Queen.

Ok--something that I admire about Greg--he rarely ever (I would say never, but that is an absolute) makes excuses. When something goes wrong that is his fault, he takes responsibility and does whatever he can to fix the problem. He doesn't make an excuse and he doesn't try to pass the buck. You don't see that trait in very many people these days and I admire that about Greg.

Dancer Prancer

2010-07-01T20:45:00.003-05:00

That's what we call Dancer. I decided that for post number one, I am going to pick the easiest thing of all. Believe me, I could blog about how wonderful Dancer is all day, everyday. He's lying next to me on the couch sleeping at the moment. From time to time, I reach over to touch him and he just lies there, so sweet.

There are so many things that I love about Dancer, but my absolute favorite thing is his disposition. He gladly submits to being carried around like a baby. Dancer is just such a sweet little guy that you can't help but love him!

Until tomorrow...

New Series

2010-07-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's today, July 1st at 8:20 pm. I still don't know exactly how I am going to structure this new series (and I am supposed to write the first post tonight). Well, I suppose that I will have to figure this one out here and now, so here goes.

The purpose of the new series is to celebrate my fifteen years of marriage and where I am in life right now. Seeing how I am naturally a negative, pessimistic person, I need to write about the good things (I would need to do that anyway if I am trying to celebrate something). So, some obvious things would be to write about things that I like or admire about Greg, things that I like about each of my children (yes, Dancer counts), things that I like about my life, things that I like about myself, things that I like about being married and/or about being a mother. So that's nine different things--lucky me forty five divided by nine is a whole number-five. So, I guess that it will be five posts about each of the above named aspects of my life--Greg, Jasmyn, Lyla, Mason, Dancer, me, my life, being married and being a mother.

I could write about one of these things for five days and then move on to the next thing, but I think it would be more beneficial to write about what I need to write about that day. For example, if I am frustrated with Greg for leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night (I don't think he has done that in years), it would probably be the most beneficial for me to force myself to write about something that I admire about Greg--might make it a little harder to stay mad about something so silly.

Let the fun times begin ;-)

Life

2010-06-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

I think it's time for a new series of posts. Today is June 30. My fifteenth wedding anniversary is August 14, and for those of you who either know me, or who have been reading for a while (or both), you know that the fact that I am very excited about this marital milestone is a major accomplishment.

I freely admit that my life has not turned out how I imagined it would. In high school and in college (the first time), I was pretty certain that I did not want children and I was unsure if I would ever marry. I liked the idea of having someone in my life who I belonged to and who belonged to me, but the other issues that surrounded the idea of marriage, like losing my independence, left me questioning if marriage was for me.

I still wonder at times, if I would not have been better off choosing to live life alone. Granted, it's a moot point today, because I am married (and I really did end up with a wonderful man, despite the fact that some days I don't see it) and I do have children (who I would not trade for anything, most days, that is.) I think that I need to remind myself of all of the great things that I have in life, so for the next forty five days, until August 14th, I am going to write about those things and share them with you.

I have not quite decided what the format is going to be, if I will split the forty five days into a certain number of X days, and blog about one specific aspect of my life for a certain number of those days or if I will just blog about something every day, but I have thirty five and a half hours to decide, so I'll get back to you on that one.

Keep reading--life is good--I just need to remind myself of that fact from time to time.

Updates

2010-06-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

Has it really been three months since I last posted? Wow--that's hard to believe! I wonder where the time went.

I can say what everyone else says--we've been so busy, which is true at the moment. I try really hard to keep life pretty quiet, as I need my quiet time and without it I get not so nice to be around :-) So, how this summer managed to be so crazy, I will never know. Jasmyn is in a musical this summer; I am taking a class at a local university; Greg is learning how to salsa dance; Mason has swimming lessons; Lyla and Mason have a play group. The list goes on and on

But, the good part is that good things are happening. Our marriage counselor (and my personal counselor) moved at the end of May, so we started seeing a new counselor. She didn't necessarily have anything new to tell us (not after just a few sessions), but it's like things have clicked, finally. We've had ups and downs (some pretty bad downs, as in "am I packing or are you,") but when we have had the downs, we have managed to work through them. We've had better times before, but this time, I think it's real, which is nice. (I'll let you know in six months if I'm right.) It feels authentic, which is something that I would not have been able to say six months ago. At that point, I would have said (and maybe I did say) that I am doing this because I need to, or because I should, or because our counselor told us to--all legitimate reasons, but none what I need--a personal reason--something that means something to me. I think that I might just have that now, but I'm not going to share that here--not yet anyway.

I've also finally figured out (I think) what I want to do. Here's a bit of history--when I was a senior in high school, I wanted to go to college, major in mathematics, get a PhD and do research and teach at the university level. Before I even started college, I changed to engineering because people told me that it was just better--I would make more money, better job outlook, etc. Problem is that I didn't like engineering. For whatever reason, I am really good at math, but I can't do physics to save my life. Calculus and physics are really the same thing--it's just that you call it first, second and third derivative in calculus and you call it velocity, acceleration and rate of change of acceleration in physics. I know that was Greek to most of you, but some of you will understand :-)

So, I quit engineering and ended up declaring Economics as my major--another thing that I hated--and then I dropped out. Well, go figure, it turns out that I really have a love for mathematics. Seeing how it's been seventeen years since I took a math class, I am retaking Calculus I and II, but after that I plan to change my major to math. The plan is still the same--get my PhD and work in a university setting. We'll see what the future holds :-)

First the piggy, now the toofies

2010-03-25T13:14:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading this blog for very long, you may recall, that one year ago, exactly, I posted about the little piggy that said wee, wee, wee. Well, before I tell you about today, here's a little background.

About a week ago, we noticed that Lyla had her first big girl tooth coming in--yea for Lyla. The only problems were that the tooth was HUGE and her baby tooth had not yet come out. The tooth was coming in behind her baby teeth. So, on Monday, I called the dentist and we went in today. His feeling (and he is EXTREMELY conservative about treatment) was that all four front bottom teeth probably needed to come out, so out they came--four teeth (and $950 dollars later) were pulled.

Once again, Lyla was so mature and so grown up about everything. I remember that when I was about eleven, I had to have four baby teeth pulled, and I was such a baby about it. I am so proud of my girl!
Want to see a picture--here you go. You can even see that big tooth poking up through there.

I have to say, that as a person who does not have dental insurance, my dentist and his office manager are extremely conscientious about how much money it is costing me (and making sure I know how much it will cost BEFORE we do something). I have had times at other doctors where I had to argue with the office manager to find out how much something was going to cost. You know, every single medical practitioner has that little sign that says "Payment is due when services are rendered" but they don't seem to think that they have to tell you how much it will cost before they run that test, or give you any say in if you will have a level one, two or three visit. So, they want their money up front, but I guess that they think that everyone has an unlimited budget and can afford to spend whatever.

Anyway, my dentist doesn't do that. The office manager came in and told me that if we pulled two teeth, it would cost this much and if we did four it would cost this much BEFORE, they did the work, and then they let me choose. So, while this post was not intended to be a plug for anyone, if you live in the area that I live in and are looking for a great dentist, you might want to give Dr. Ronald Gee a try.

Are you an emotional eater?

2010-03-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

I am. Case in point--the day has been difficult and I have been struggling with what is, to me, a major issue. I had an appointment this morning, then Greg and I had a counseling appointment, and after that, I took the kids to their weekly homeschool game day. Because of the time change, I've also been really tired today, so lots of things have been working against me. After I got home, I pulled out my last pint of my favorite ice cream (it has been discontinued by the one grocery store that sold it) and ate over half of it. I gave the rest of it to the kids. Emotional eating.

Here's the thing--I think that emotional eating is ok--I don't really drink (once in a while, I might have a drink, but it is very rare); I don't smoke; I don't do drugs; I don't do most of the things that people might do to cope with stress. Instead, when I am really stressed, I head for the pint of ice cream in the freezer. I realize that ice cream with 300 calories per serving seems counter productive when one is striving for fat loss, but as long as I eat my ice cream today, and get right back on my healthy meal plan tomorrow, I think that's ok.

In my opinion, emotional eating becomes a problem when one eats that half (or whole) pint of ice cream today, then eats one tomorrow, another the next day along with some chocolate, a few cookies, and to round everything out, a basket of chips with a bowl of queso. That's a problem.

Maybe I shouldn't eat ice cream for emotional reasons--maybe I should find some other coping mechanism, but I like using ice cream as my coping mechanism. It works for me.

Update

2010-03-14T13:46:00.000-05:00

Wow--has it really been six weeks since I last posted? It doesn't seem like that long, but that's how it is these days--heck, I can't believe that the first quarter of 2010 is almost over!

Well, lots has been happening. I started school in January. I am taking two required history classes, and I must say that I am really enjoying it. I always hated history, because I thought it was boring, but my professor teaches from the human perspective and he spends quite a bit of time discussing how historical events impact us today. That is much more interesting than memorizing the battles of the Revolutionary War and their dates.

I have also been spending quite a bit of time working on myself. This started over a year ago, when I started seeing a therapist, and I increased the intensity (literally) in December when I started working with a personal trainer. To date, I've lost sixteen pounds in about twelve weeks and I've lost eight inches in my waist since September. While I would love for the weight loss to be faster (you know, lose forty pounds of pure fat and develop six-pack abs in about an hour), I am really happy with my progress. I went from not being able to do a single modified (on your knees) push-up (seriously) to being able to do THIRTY-ONE push-ups on Friday.

I have a lot to blog about, so I will (hopefully) be posting over the next few days.

Why I love blogging

2010-01-29T00:01:00.001-06:00

Today is my one year blogging anniversary, and I must say that I really love blogging. I love having a place to express myself--a place to say what I think and what I want to say.

I have a very hard time being real and transparent with other people (more on this another day), so I appreciate being able to be more real and transparent when I blog than I am in real life. I'm not sure as to why it is that I feel more comfortable with transparency on the internet than in real life, but I am. It's not like my blog is anonymous--lots of people who know me read this.

At any rate, blogging has helped me to process events in my life in a unique way. As I write about things that happen, I learn--both about myself and about the other people or things involved. I would imagine that this process engages my introverted intuition (more on that another day, too).

I'm really glad that I started a blog, even if I was a few years late!

What I've learned

2010-01-15T18:46:00.000-06:00

I know it's been nearly two weeks since I finished my series on positivity. I promised a final post on the topic, summing up what I learned. I've been thinking about it, but not for the whole time the last two weeks. I simply haven't made the time to get by myself and post.

So, here's what I've learned--I've learned that life is good. In everything, no matter how bad it may seem, there is a positive, hence the saying every cloud has a silver lining. It really is true. In fact, I found that it was much easier to pinpoint something positive from a negative event than to pinpoint a positive from a normal average event.

Has my outlook on life changed? Not really, but I hope that the next time I am faced with a negative event, I will look for the positive in that event instead of choosing to have a pity party.

Day 30--Happy Birthday to me

2010-01-04T22:07:00.000-06:00

Well, this is it--my last post in my series on being positive. So, to start, my positive thing for today is life. A friend of mine told me that one of her best friends from college lost his two week old son a few days ago. I cannot imagine the pain that family is going through, but I know that the family is completely devastated. I have never lost anyone who I was close to, but I know the depth of my love for my children. I don't know how I would find the strength to get out of bed in the morning if I were to lose one of them. Every day is a gift and I think that we would all do well to remember that.

I was going to also sum up my month, and talk about what I have learned and how I have benefited from focusing on the positive this month, but I think I will wait until tomorrow to do that.

Day 29

2010-01-03T22:38:00.000-06:00

Today is the last day of my thirty fourth year. It's hard to believe that another entire year has gone by. An awful lot has happened this year. There have been good days (and weeks and months) and bad days, but I end this year hopeful.

I see my life in transition from one where I feel dragged though life and out of control to one where I make my choices and live with the consequences. My way of coping with life has been to follow the path of least resistance--instead of making a choice, I have let people around me make choices for me. If things turned out ok, all was well, and if they didn't--well it couldn't have been my fault, because I didn't choose that. That changed this year. I started making choices, knowing that the choice would either be a good choice or a bad choice, but either way, I would be ok.

I think that next year, I will have some very different things to say about my life, but for today, my positive is the option to choose my path in life. I know that in so many parts of the world people, and especially women, don't have that option. Being a first generation American, I wonder what my life would have been like, had my parents not chosen to emigrate.

Day 28

2010-01-02T22:13:00.001-06:00

Tonight, after the kids went to bed, I wanted something sweet to eat. You know that my favorite sweet thing is cookies and cream ice cream, but we didn't have any. I also love sorbet--in fact, when I am sick, sorbet is my favorite sweet thing to eat. I like that fact that it has no dairy because dairy seems to just make me feel worse, but sorbet is sweet, cold and fruity, and that is exactly what I want when I am sick.

The last time that I bought sorbet, I found something new--Häagen Dazs chocolate sorbet. Since I was in the mood for something other than a fruit flavor, I decided to try it tonight. I must say that I found the concept of chocolate sorbet somewhat odd--until I tried it. The chocolate sorbet had this intense chocolate flavor. It had a wonderful texture, and while it lacked the "creaminess" of ice cream, the chocolatiness more than made up for it. After tasting chocolate sorbet, I'm not too sure that the creaminess in chocolate ice cream isn't just a distraction. And, chocolate sorbet is nearly fat free, with 130 calories per half cup. (I only had a quarter cup, and I was satisfied.) My positive for today is chocolate sorbet. I don't know who came up with the idea of making chocolate sorbet, but I am most certainly happy that they did.

Day 27

2010-01-01T22:30:00.000-06:00

So for the last few days, I have been getting tired in the ten o'clock hour. For me, that is extremely early. While I always wanted to get to bed earlier, for many months, I was staying up until two or three in the morning, and then for over a year, my regular bedtime was between eleven and one.

I like between eight and ten hours of sleep at night, so even going to bed at eleven left me a zombie in the morning. So, the fact that I have been tiring out and getting to sleep before eleven is a huge blessing. Between the extra sleep and drinking enough water, I have found that my energy levels are consistently rising. That is, when I don't eat a bunch of junk, I feel great. My positive thing for today is energy--I have lived without it for so long, that now that I finally have a little energy, I find it extremely addictive.

Day 27

2010-01-01T11:04:00.000-06:00

I forgot to post last night--well, I suppose that I didn't completely forget, but by the time I remembered, I had already turned my computer off and I was checking the doors before going to bed. For whatever reason, I was completely exhausted last night, so I decided to just wait and post this morning.

As I sit here thinking about what I want to write about today, I must admit that I am a little stumped. We spent part of the day at a friend's house, which was great, but I have already posted on friends, and we spent part of the evening shopping for (and finally buying) new living room furniture. Our current couch is quite dead, so while I have been putting this off, simply because I didn't want to spend the money, we finally reached the point where we just had to break down and buy something new. By the way, the kids were excellent while they waited at the furniture store.

You know, I have had that old couch since my very first apartment. Someone gave it to me, and while it had many good years, it's best days are finally behind it. Part of the reason that we help on to it is because we liked it (sags and all) and it has just always been a part of our life. Never mind the fact that the fabric is so worn it is uncomfortable for me to lie down on, and it is stained, and falling apart. Oh, and that there aren't enough seats for the whole family to sit in. It's time for new furniture, but it is also time for more change in our family.

I am not a person who likes or embraces change, but change is good, so my positive for today is change. I look forward to changing and to seeing change in my family.

Day 26

2009-12-30T22:17:00.000-06:00

My mental rule for this series of entries has been that I must be specific, i.e., I can't say that the whole day was great, and that is my positive thing for that day, but today I am going to suspend that rule. I spent the whole day today in Bryan with friends. First, I met one dear friend at one of my two favorite coffee shops for coffee and breakfast. We spent about three hours just talking about anything and everything.

After that, I stopped by the restaurant that has my all time favorite dessert and picked one up to take to another dear friend's house and share with her. I probably spent about four hours at her house, again talking about anything and everything (and being entertained by her two beautiful and exceptionally smart children.) I also ran a couple of errands while I was in Bryan, but the whole day was wonderful. While I very much enjoy our new home, I miss Bryan--it was "home" for a long time.

On second thought, I'm not going to suspend my rule--my positive thing(s) for today is home--past and present. I have been a little hesitant to allow our new home to truly be home, but as I think about it, home really is where the heart is and a part of my heart will always be in Bryan, so I suppose that it will always in some ways be "home."

Day 25

2009-12-29T22:26:00.000-06:00

You know, I really have no clue what to talk about today. It's been cloudy and raining for most of the day and it has, for all intents and purposes been a lazy day. I have been unmotivated, but I did manage to pick up part of the house and I cleaned the bedroom. (I am the queen of clutter.) So, my positive for today is that I get to sleep in a nice clean bedroom tonight, and tomorrow I get to go see friends.

Day 24

2009-12-28T23:57:00.000-06:00

Wow--what a day! Do you remember the ordeal that we went through last March? No--well in a nutshell, Lyla got her finger slammed in a door, broke her pinky, and had pin surgery to repair it. If you want more details, you can read all of them here.

Well, guess what happened today--yep, Lyla got her finger shut in a door, again. I was in my bedroom, halfway dressed after taking my shower, and I heard her scream. She comes running to my door with blood all over her hands. I started the process of stopping the bleeding and examining her finger (and finding out what in God's name these children did to cause this). Her finger was cut very badly, but it didn't seem broken. Greg and I went back and forth on taking her to an urgent care center and after talking to someone who is a pediatric trauma nurse, we decided that it was important to get it checked and x-rayed.

I asked Lyla if she wanted me or Dad to take her--she said that she wanted me, so I took her to the urgent care center. (Are you wondering where the positive in this is--don't worry, it's coming.) The doctor said that he was concerned about a possible fracture--the cut wasn't a big deal and he said there was really no reason to stitch it up--but an open fracture could result in a bone infection, which is serious.

By this point, I was scared, but last time, I was a basket case. Last time, as we sat in the waiting room, I had to pace because I was just too scared to sit still. This time, I hugged Lyla, and internally I was scared, but I was also calm.

Thankfully, there was no fracture, and Lyla didn't need stitches. Her finger looks bad--cut both on the top and on the bottom, and even though this was an ordeal for me, it could have been so much worse. Now, for the positive part of this ordeal--I have recently read that the ability to keep oneself internally calm and quiet in the midst of great stress is a hallmark of personal growth. In this event, I received a rare gift--I was able to see the difference in my reaction today versus my reaction nine months ago. The calmness had nothing to do with having been through this before--my normal pattern would be to be more stressed the second time around, and to tell myself that I should have seen this coming, I should have stopped it, so this is my fault.

I have been working on personal growth for quite some time now--through personal study, through individual counseling and now through marriage counseling. I have come to realize that Greg and I can learn every communication technique in the world, but if we don't each grow individually, we might as well file for divorce today. Being able to see how much my reaction to a potentially serious injury to my child changed, I was able to see tangible evidence of personal growth. While I would certainly have preferred to see this evidence in another way, this revelation was definitely the silver lining in this cloudy stressful day.

Day 23

2009-12-27T23:51:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that I have now been doing this for more than three weeks. Where did the time go? One week to go, well, one week and one day to go, but close enough. So little time left in my thirty-fourth year of life--thirty-four years--I just can't believe that my thirties are almost halfway over--wow--am I getting old? Maybe, but I prefer to say that I am becoming wise--yeah, whatever.

Today, I want to write about books. Most of my learning did not happen in school--rather most of what I know I learned from reading. I really love to read--I'm not much of a fiction reader, but I love to read books and articles that help me to expand my knowledge. Humans are fortunate to have acquired the abilities to read and write. I believe that the human capacity for learning is limited only by our lifespan and books allow us to preserve our knowledge and experiences. Books are a great thing--I think that I take books and literacy for granted, but people all over the world have neither books nor the ability to read, so my positive things for today are books and literacy.

Day 22

2009-12-27T00:06:00.000-06:00

My children love each other and they love us. They really enjoy doing things together as a family. I think this is one of the most beautiful things about our lifestyle--that the children are able to spend hours everyday with both of their parents.

Today, we decided to take some time a play a board game. The kids love to play Risk--they don't really understand the strategy of the game, but they love it, so that's what we played. Lyla and I were a team, Mason and Greg were a team and Jasmyn was on her own. I admit, Risk is far from my favorite game--I would wager to say that I really dislike it. Number one, I hate to lose--sad as it is, in the early days of Nilam and Greg, we were playing Risk one day, and I got so frustrated that I was losing that I shoved all of the pieces off of the board onto the floor.

Still, we played until the kids got bored, decided who won and went outside to play. It was fun, and we spent time together, so today's positive thing is board games--I'm glad that there are so many fun ways to spend time together as a family.

Day 21

2009-12-25T23:08:00.000-06:00

Texas oranges--have you ever had them? Of course, being in Texas, Texas oranges are the freshest oranges that we can get, but, being a person who love freshly squeezed orange juice, I find that the juice from Texas oranges is the sweetest and least acidic that I have ever had.

When I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up a fifteen pound bag of Texas oranges, planning to make freshly squeezed juice for this morning. I did, and it was yummy--sweet without any sourness at all. My positive thing for today is Texas oranges--the best oranges that I have ever had.

Day 20

2009-12-24T22:11:00.000-06:00

Today is an easy day to find a big positive--Build a Bear. It's our Christmas tradition that we go to Build a Bear on Christmas Eve and all three kids get to make a new stuffed friend. That is their individual Christmas gift--the other gifts that the kids receive are small things for the family, or for all of them to share, like art supplies.

We really don't make a big deal out of Christmas--we would rather that Christmas be about being with family as opposed to being about gifts.

Day 19

2009-12-23T21:55:00.000-06:00

Today's positive is comfort food. I have been sick for three days now--nothing serious, just drainage and a sore throat, but I haven't felt like eating much of anything, and when I have felt like eating, it's the result of some weird craving. I have learned, though, that when I feel like this, it is generally best to just listen to my body and eat what sounds good.

This morning a craving for cornbread and soup hit me from nowhere. While I like cornbread, I generally make yeast breads as opposed to quick breads like cornbread. Still, I really wanted cornbread, so I make some jalapeno cheese cornbread and tomato soup. It was really yummy, and just what I was craving. When I am sick, nothing hits the spot like comfort food.

Day 18

2009-12-22T19:59:00.000-06:00

My first positive event is that it rained today. No, we don't need rain here on the Gulf Coast of Texas. I was at the grocery store when it started raining and when I got to the door (with a basket full of groceries to carry to the car), it was pouring. I said (either in my head or out loud), "You've got to be kidding me, Lord." Amazingly, the rain had stopped less than a minute later. I'm not going to read into this, but I will say that it was nice to not have to unload groceries in the rain.

I am completely thrilled about today's second positive event--Dancer can ring a bell! I know, that makes zero sense, so please allow me to explain.

Dancer was a rescue from a puppy mill and he was completely not potty trained when we brought him home. That was almost four months ago, and we have been working on potty training ever since. He has had good days and bad days, but yesterday was a very bad day for Dancer--he had three accidents in his crate. We have also been trying to teach Dancer to ring a bell to tell us when he needs to go, but he just hasn't been interested.

Today, I sat down with Dancer, the bell and a bag of treats. Within ten minutes Dancer was grabbing the string that the bell is hanging on with his mouth to ring the bell. Step 1 is done. Tomorrow I will start teaching Dancer that when he rings the bell he goes outside.

Day 17

2009-12-21T22:52:00.000-06:00

My positive thing for today is "friends." I have some amazing friends. As a child, I didn't really have any friends--I was an awkward child of immigrants with a crazy mother--literally. Add to that the fact that I didn't think or act like everyone else (because I am an INTJ, which makes up somewhere between one and three percent of the American population). Honestly, I didn't really have any friends until I was well into my twenties--I never learned how to make friends until Greg came along. He taught me, by example, how to talk to people and how to be a friend to others.

I will never be one of those people who has hundreds of friends--rather I will be one of those people who has hundreds of acquaintances, and a few very close friends. I am very excited because I will be going to Bryan soon to spend time with a couple of my very closest friends. I value my friendships and I am fortunate to have these people in my life.

Day 16

2009-12-20T21:51:00.000-06:00

Today we did a little Christmas activity. There's a local church that has a camp ground where they have a little train. For Christmas, they put up tons of Christmas lights around the train track and sell tickets to ride the train for a dollar. The church was also selling snacks, like popcorn and cotton candy and Lyla asked if they could get some cotton candy. I had already planned to buy some, so I told her yes. I was bending down toward Lyla and she was so happy that she jumped up and her head slammed into my nose so hard that my ears were ringing and I was dizzy. Thankfully, my nose isn't broken, and there was a positive in this. The positive is that Lyla had a tough day--she had a super ball that she was playing with outside and it went down the storm drain. Lyla was very upset, so I am grateful that I was able to do something small for her that made her so happy, even if my nose is sore.

Day 15

2009-12-19T21:43:00.013-06:00

I know--I didn't post last night, I started to, around 9:45, but I was so tired that I just went straight to bed. I'm trying to decide what my positive thing is for today, and I must admit that I'm having a hard time. There really wasn't anything that stood out as a great thing about the day, but there was nothing negative, either. I think that is my positive for yesterday--it was a day that was completely free of negative interactions. It was also a beautiful day, and we enjoyed the sunshine.

As I think about it, the fact that there was nothing to complain about (except for the fact that my quadriceps were so sore that every time I sat down, I wondered if I was going to be able to get up--thanks, JC :-) is a truly remarkable thing!

Day 14

2009-12-18T23:06:00.000-06:00

So now it really is Day 14. We have had what seems like weeks of cloudy, dreary weather with no sun. I don't think it has been that long, but the last time I can remember seeing the sun was the day after it snowed (in Houston). Today was an absolutely perfect day--sunny, without a cloud anywhere. It was a little on the cool side for me, but the kids (finally) got to play outside. They were so happy and so was I!

Things to come

2009-12-18T12:31:00.000-06:00

I must say that I am really enjoying the process of writing my series on positivity. In the coming months, I plan to do at least two more series--one on personality types and one on marriage. Who knows what else I will come up with--my brain never shuts down :-)

Day 13

2009-12-18T00:55:00.000-06:00

I know that it is really day 14, but I haven't been to bed yet, so to me it's still Day 13. I had a Christmas party tonight, so I got home very late, and am now writing this as I sit in bed to wind down.

Today I am very happy because Greg and I are communicating better than we have in a very long time. There were two opportunities for us to get into fights, but we didn't. One of the two incidents was when I was talking to him about one of my greatest fears. Many months ago, we were discussing this same issue and he said something that I took great offense to, but I never said anything at that time and I have been holding it against him. This time, I calmly told him what he said that offended me, what I was concerned about and what I thought we needed to do about it. I also then requested his input. We never fought about anything. We instead had a discussion and we mapped out a game plan for dealing with this fear.

The second thing was petty and somewhat ironic. Before I went to the party, I really wanted to eat some ice cream with caramel sauce, but I decided that there would be dessert at the party, so I wasn't going to waste the calories. It turned out that everyone brought savory dishes, and there wasn't a single dessert at the party, so I decided to have that ice cream after all. I got home and looked in the trash can to find the empty ice cream carton. It turned out that Greg had eaten the last of the ice cream. When I bought it, I told him he was welcome to some of it, and well, he decided to help himself to it. A month ago, I would have been so angry with him, but today, I decided to tell him how ironic it was--I guess God decided that I didn't need dessert tonight :-)

Day 12

2009-12-16T22:50:00.000-06:00

When I came home today (from a very busy day of running around with kids), I checked my email. In my inbox, I had an email from a very good friend of mine. While my day had been just fine, it had been a little stressful, both from all of the running, and because Lyla was not feeling well either. My friend had some very nice things to say, and she told me that she had really enjoyed this series of posts on positivity. It really made me feel good to hear that. I'm doing this for myself, because I need to learn to see the positives, even in negative situations, but I'm very happy to know that it is helping others too.

Day 11

2009-12-15T22:52:00.000-06:00

Today was such a wonderful day. We got our Christmas tree and we all decorated it together. We all have a fun time doing it, but my positive thing for today is that I felt so good today. I had so much energy that I simply did not want to sit down. For me to not want to sit down (my favorite thing to do is surf the web), is something truly remarkable. Whoo-hoo!

Better than caffeine!

2009-12-15T22:49:00.001-06:00

I've heard it and I know that you have heard it too--physical activity gives you more energy. Problem is, that has never been my experience. If I am tired, I have found that exercising or even just going for a walk to get my heart pumping just makes me more tired.

For my birthday this year I told Greg that I wanted to take advantage of a special that a local personal trainer was offering. I was going to wait until after the first of the year to get started, because with Christmas and my birthday, I will probably gain a few pounds and I won't eat right anyway. As I thought about it more, though, I decided that I have put things off, waiting for the "right" time, so many times and I decided that I wasn't going to wait any longer. I'm tired of buying clothes simply because I think they don't look ridiculous on me, as opposed to buying clothes that I like.

So, today was my first session, and let me tell you, I was feeling it--big time. It was a little more than 12 hours ago, and I am already very sore. I predict that I will not be able to move in the morning, and when I got home, I couldn't have walked up a flight of stairs to save my life. (I'm glad my house is a one story.) Imagine my surprise, though, when a short time later, I had more energy than I have had in a week, and the extra energy lasted ALL day! I felt so good, despite the pain, and believe me, my hamstrings were sore when I got home. I was so energetic that I almost felt jittery, like I do when I've had too much coffee on an empty stomach, but I didn't have an empty stomach. It was great.

I have to say that while I was dying during session, I am so glad that I did this! I'm really looking forward to seeing where I am in a month or two.

It's just us

2009-12-14T22:15:00.000-06:00

I know I've mentioned before that Greg and I have never made a big deal out of Christmas for just the two of us, and that we've never really given each other gifts. Well, our first Christmas (maybe the first two), we got Christmas gifts, but it was more like we each decided what we wanted and then we bought it. There was no trying to find the perfect gift or surprising the other with it. I don't even think that we wrapped our gifts. After a couple of years, we quit buying each other gifts at all. Part of it was finances, but most of it was that we had the attitude that "it's just us."

It's just us--that pretty much sums up my entire attitude about Greg and our marriage--he was just an extension of me and well, we should do nice things for everyone else at Christmas time--why worry about us. Of course, one of these days, our kids will be grown and will have their own lives, our family members will be gone and all that will be left is us. And of course, Greg is not an extension of me and I am not an extension of him. I think this is one of the biggest myths of marriage, but I will discuss that in another post.

My point is that when you treat something like it doesn't matter and it isn't important, you will devalue it. I believe this is part of what happened in our marriage. I took my husband and my marriage for granted. We decided when we got married that it was forever, so why nurture it? It was a given. Unfortunately, it wasn't a given. I realize this now. I see that my marriage needs attention every bit as much as my children do. As a mother, would I ever say, "it's just the kids--they don't need a birthday cake"? Of course not. I have definitely had birthdays where I was unmotivated to make the cake, but I did it anyway, because it's my daughter or son and they are valuable to me. My marriage is no different.

Day 10

2009-12-14T21:52:00.000-06:00

Today was a really easy day. Greg and I went out to dinner to celebrate Christmas together. We had a really great time. He loved my gift for him and I loved what he gave me. One thing that came up in marriage counseling is that Greg really has nothing that he does for himself, and he needs to take time for himself. I know that Greg loves to read and he loves historical and fantasy books, so I got him two books by Harry Turtledove. Each books is the first book in a series and they are both about alternate history with some fantasy/science fiction. It turned out that Greg had already read one of the books, but he said that he had thought about reading it again.

Greg gave me a framed picture of Dancer that said "My Patronus" on it. It was the perfect things. I put my picture on my dresser and I am looking at it right now. If you don't know the story behind my patronus, you can read it here.

Day 9

2009-12-13T23:20:00.000-06:00

I have to admit--I'm having a really hard time deciding what today's positive thing is. It's been a good day--nothing bad has happened, but nothing great has happened either. I suppose that my positive thing about today is how productive of a day it has been. I made yogurt, baked bread, made pizza crust, and made a super yummy low fat lemon curd, in addition to feeding the children breakfast, lunch, two snacks and doing dishes, etc. Greg, of course, helped whenever he was home, but he was gone for several hours today.

I like busy days--I really fell like I accomplish a lot when I stay busy.

Day 8

2009-12-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

Nothing profound happened today. I had a great morning with the family at a Christmas event. It was probably an average day. I was able to get Greg's Christmas gift, and I came out under budget. (We limited ourselves to $10 for gifts for each other.) Being under budget is always good :-)

Day 7

2009-12-11T23:01:00.000-06:00

Are you bored yet? I hope not, because today was a breakthrough day. Let me start by saying that I am really going to try to keep today's post short because I really want to go to bed.

So the point of this exercise is to learn to see more of the positive instead of just the negative. Some things happened today that I would probably consider to be negative, but I managed to see the positive in them. First, Mason was acting like a little twit, and he got mad at me about something. Lyla, feeling like I was unfair to her brother, got mad at me as well. I had a talk with Lyla and told her that I thought she was being unfair to me and that she owed me an apology. This was not fun, but something very good came out of it. While I was angry that everyone (well, not Jasmyn) was mad at me for something that Mason did, I got to see Lyla's unfailing loyalty to her siblings, and that was a beautiful thing. It still made me mad, but it was a good thing.

Second, Greg and I got into a fight. He reacted to something that I did in a way that set me off. I stayed angry for a couple of hours, but then I got over it. In this too, was something very positive. The last time that I got angry with Greg over something like this, it only took moments for me to spiral downward and crash. I then had days of anger and depression. This time, I chose to be angry. I felt in complete command of my emotions, and while I made the wrong decision and acted poorly, I didn't feel like something foreign had taken hold of me. Another good thing hidden in a bad thing.

So, a week ago, I probably would have blogged about how horrible my life was--my kids hate me and my marriage is falling apart--but today I can blog about how great it is that my kids got mad at me and my husband and I got into an argument. Well, those really aren't good things, but there is a silver lining.

Day 6

2009-12-10T23:18:00.002-06:00

I really had to think about my positive thing for today. I hasn't been a bad day, in fact, it's been a good day, and that in and of itself is a great thing. Other good things about today--Lyla had a swimming lesson and did really well--she did hip kicks for the first time. Also, I think I found the perfect thing to give Greg for his Christmas gift. (I won't say what it is here, because I don't know if he reads this, but just in case, I'll keep it to myself.) Just so there is no confusion, limiting yourself to ten dollars to buy a gift for your spouse really requires a lot of creativity :-)

The neighborhood

2009-12-10T11:43:00.001-06:00

In my last group of posts about my home, I discussed an incident where someone on my street left an anonymous note on our car asking us to not park it on the street (that wasn't all that was said). This incident left me feeling very upset and disappointed because I really believe that when disagreements happen people should talk to one another, not leave notes. I also felt extreme disillusionment with the place where I lived.

That was nearly two months ago, so I wanted to update you on the situation. My feelings were hurt and I had two choices--shut down and alienate myself and my family from our neighbors, or ignore it and try to be a part of this community. I chose to try to be a part of the community. I already had a few friends on the street and I thought it would be flat out wrong to shut all of them out because of another person's actions.

The biggest reason why I made this choice was that my children love playing with the other kids on the street. They have wanted friends for so long (Lyla prayed for friends every night for months) that I just couldn't not let them play with the kids. As the kids played, I got to know more of the parents, and I watched how we all interacted. This street seems unique (maybe it isn't, but I've never seen this before)--when kids are out playing, all of the moms watch all of the kids. One day I was staring off into space. A car was coming and Mason was in the street so one of the other moms (I was sitting right there, but I was oblivious), says, "Mason get out of the street." When I heard his name, I looked over and was so thankful that she was there.

We have settled right in and seem to fit in well with our neighbors. I don't know who the note writer was, and at this point, I don't care. I hope that in the future, if someone has a problem with us, they will just come and talk to us, but even if they don't, I still know that this is a great place to live. It's the suburbs, and I'm not really a suburbanite, but if I have to live in a suburb, this is a great place to be.

Day 5

2009-12-09T23:27:00.000-06:00

Where do I start today--it's really been a great day! I suppose I'll start at the end--I ended the day with dog training, which is always a fun, uplifting experience for me. Before that we had a great dinner that Greg cooked and everyone ate cheerfully. Today was the girls' art class day and their teacher had a couple of pieces in an art show, so we stopped by and saw her beautiful artwork. She is very talented and my girls are very fortunate to have such a wonderful teacher. While the girls were in class, I called Greg and suggested that since the food at the restaurant where we had dessert last night smelled so good, we should go there for dinner for our next date. He set up the babysitter for Monday night and I later offered the suggestion that we could take the time to celebrate Christmas together. We've been married for fourteen years and we have never celebrated Christmas as just the two of us. We have also never bought each other Christmas gifts. We decided to buy small ($10 or less) gifts for each other and we will exchange them at dinner on Monday. Being limited to $10 is really going to be challenging, but I am looking forward to the opportunity to express my creativity.

The best thing about today (and this deserves it's own paragraph) is that for the first time in many years, I have more positive feelings and thoughts toward my husband than negative feelings and thoughts. I am amazed at how much progress we have made in so little time. I am actually excited about our date on Monday--it has been a very long time since I last felt excited about going out and spending time with my husband.

Oops--I forgot to post on Day 4

2009-12-09T08:06:00.002-06:00

Today's post--well, really it's yesterday's post, but you know what I mean--will be short, as I am really tired. Greg and I had a date night last night--nothing huge, we just got a babysitter and went to a restaurant for dessert and coffee. We were able to spend a few hours together and had a nice time. It was still a little awkward because there were moments of silence with nothing to say, but it was easier than the time before, so that's a huge accomplishment. We also got the house picked up and vacuumed the floors--this, too, was an accomplishment.

This isn't easy!

2009-12-08T00:27:00.000-06:00

You know, I have made it a point, in at least the last month or two, to be as real and authentic as I can possibly be in my blogging, and it has been anything but easy. There have been some very dark, sad days where I have wanted to hide in my closet and cry. There have been other days that have been happy, positive days that I wanted to savor for as long as possible. I've written several blog entries as a form of catharsis that I wanted to delete immediately after writing them, but I have forced myself to publish them instead.

I am a very private person and I really don't want to put my dirty laundry out there (no matter how ambiguous I might be about it). But even less than that, I don't want people to look at me and my family and think that we are just the perfect little family, because we're not. We have problems--some big ones, some small ones--just like everyone else. I once confided in a friend about some of my struggles, and she told me that she always thought that my life was perfect. Granted, my struggles don't even compare to hers--she is a single mom who struggles to raise her child while making ends meet. I know that it is rare for her to ever feel nurtured, so maybe to her my life--even with its struggles--is perfect.

I am amazed at the number of people who have come from nowhere to support me in my difficult times. For me, when I am in the midst of a personal struggle, I feel very alone, but I have been shown over and over again how I am anything but alone. Still, it's uncomfortable allowing myself to be even the least bit vulnerable to anyone--I'm the one who always had it together (not really, but that is what I have always projected, even as a teenager)--and it's difficult to think that people--friends, acquaintances, even strangers--know things about my struggles in life.

I wrote the following in my first post:
"I've decided that it is time to share my world with the world. No promises that it will always make sense, or be organized in any way shape or form, but it will be my life and my world, as seen through my eyes and processed in my brain. Those of you who know and/or love me, may very well gain some insight into me and my world. The rest of you are invited to come along with me on my journey through life--learning with me as I satisfy my curiosity, listening to my rants and raves, laughing, crying, getting angry, smiling and experiencing the many joys, disappointments and other things that are part of just regular everyday life."

For me, this is all about self-validation--boldly (or timidly) stating this is me, with all of my fears, failures and flaws. I choose to love myself as I am--accept the things that cannot be changed and change everything that I can to become a better person. Therefore, I must disclose the imperfect pieces of myself and my life, otherwise, I perpetuate the myth that I have the perfect little life.

Day 3

2009-12-07T22:39:00.001-06:00

Today, Greg and I spent some very good time talking about some very important things. We have both neglected our marriage and placed it last on the priority list for many years now, and that takes a toll. No--there hasn't been anything major (like abuse or infidelity) that has happened between us, but when you let life get in the way and you forget how to talk to your spouse about your life and yourself, you wake up one day and realize that you and this person in your house share responsibilities and children, but you don't know each other. We're making great progress and are both learning how to talk to each other about our lives.

I also had a crazy, but fun day with the kids and with friends. Mondays are always good days.

Day 2

2009-12-06T22:34:00.001-06:00

My very positive thing about today--Mason asked for and ate an entire quesadilla. It was just a tortilla and cheese cooked in a saute pan, but you have to understand, trying to feed this child has kept me awake at night. He simply doesn't want to eat, and he doesn't eat anything. His gag reflex is one of the most sensitive that I have ever seen, so if he doesn't like the way something tastes or if he doesn't like its texture, he will gag and often vomit. That Mason asked for something with a tortilla has probably tripled the number of foods that we can feed him at a Mexican restaurant and it has given me new options for his lunches. Yea!

Other positive things--Greg and I have been communicating very well with each other and fighting less. Dancer had an accident free day, and he is getting very good at down-stays.

Overall, it's been a pretty good day.

It's time to change

2009-12-05T22:58:00.002-06:00

You know, I would not call myself a very positive person. I am a pessimist; I am a cynic; I automatically see the bad in a situation and I can come up with tons of things that can go wrong in every situation. (I like to think of it as "planning ahead.)

Today is December 5. On January 4, I will celebrate my thirty-fourth birthday. I think it's time that I take control of my negativity and change. Every day between now and my birthday, I will blog about at least one positive thing about that day. This is after all, my blog, so when I'm having a bad day, you may hear about it, but you will also hear at least one good thing about that day.

Let's see what changes a month of focusing on the positive side of life can bring. So, today, I cooked my family breakfast (just for the kids) and dinner, and everyone ate and liked my food. Mason ate a bite of salad and didn't gag. These are truly remarkable things.