Today

Unfortunately, I was not able to post first thing this morning.  There was actually a reason for this, and I will write about it in a few days.  Suffice to say, once I post, you will understand why I chose to wait to write about my reason.  Thankfully, my anxiety levels have been relatively low today, and the purpose of writing these entries is to help with my anxiety.  So, it seems that it was ok for me to not post today.

I'll update this post in a few days.

Tomorrow is my first day of school--yikes!

Friends

My anxiety levels are really high today--like pop a Xanax high.  I woke up around 6:20 this morning very anxious from the dream I was having, went back to sleep, then woke up again about an hour ago, again very anxious.  I went back to sleep for a little while, but now I am awake.  Before I go the route of popping something, I am going to try to manage my anxiety levels by posting.  My good friend Jenny said in a comment on another post that she does not believe that thanksgiving and anxiety/fear can exist in the same place.  I can agree with that, so I hope that taking the time to find something good in my life right right now will help to alleviate the anxiety.

It is a little harder for me to find something to post about today, so I am just going to post about something in my life that I am thankful for.  I am thankful for my friends.  I have no idea how many "Happy Birthdays," I received on facebook, but it was quite a few.  Greg and the kids took me out the night of my birthday, and then two other friends took me out the night after; I also have three other friends who are just waiting to see what my schedule looks like before we schedule a night out to celebrate my birthday.  Then there are all of the people who I have called in a time of need, or who have called, emailed, or walked over to my house in their pajamas to check on me.  I have more people in my life who love and care for me than I have ever had--and I feel truly blessed!

Unfortunately, my anxiety level is still really high, so I might be taking that Xanax this morning.  That is, after all, why I have it, but these posts give me something to cling to when I do get this way.

Rice

I don't know if I have mentioned this before on the blog, but my first time through in college I attended Rice University--known as one of the best universities in the country.  Unfortunately, I did not appreciate my education at the time and I did not do well, nor did I finish.  Now, as a returning student, I found that I really wanted to finish my degree at Rice.  The problem with that was that Rice is a private school (and not cheap).  I really did not see how I could possibly afford to attend Rice (or how I could justify the student loans to do it).

So, I did what all students (should) do--I applied for financial aid.  I explained to the financial aid office that I was currently in the middle of a divorce.  They said that they would adjust my status accordingly.  So now, I am a single person with no income.  Thus, Rice gave me a grant that covered all of my tuition and fees for the semester!  That means that I get my Rice education and I will have no student debt on the other side of it!  This is something that absolutely would not have happened if I were still married.  I'm sure that I would have received SOME financial assistance, but I also expect that much of it would have been in the form of student loans--what a huge, amazing, positive thing to come from the divorce--I can't even express how exciting and amazing that is!  At this time in 2013, I will be finished with school and will (hopefully) have a new job--big things ahead!

My Birthday--the good things in life

Well, I was supposed to write this as soon as I woke up in the morning, but I admit I have actually been awake for a while.  Oh well, I feel relatively good and my anxiety levels are really low, especially considering that I am moving today.  (And by the way, considering that I will, generally, be writing these posts BEFORE my morning coffee, don't expect perfect grammar or no typos--I know I am the stickler for grammar, but it is what it is.)

My (new) good thing for today is my birthday.  Yes, I have had birthdays every year of my life, but this year was different.  Every year, I just want to get the day over with so that I can get back to healthy eating.  This year, I lost so much weight from not eating well this last month (and entire semester, really) that I don't care--I do need to get back to healthier eating, but I am much more concerned with making sure that I am eating enough, as opposed to being concerned with dropping more pounds.

The other (and much more important) new, amazing thing about my birthday is how I celebrated it this year.  Last year, as always, we went out as a family to celebrate my birthday.  We did that again this year, but this year I enjoyed it much more than I have in many years.  Last year, I did not want to be in the same room with Greg, and I knew that in addition to the family dinner he had something planned for my birthday.  Truth be told, I was dreading this other thing.  Greg and I were not doing well and I did not want to celebrate my birthday with him.  I know that hurt him and it makes me sad to even write about it.  This is another thing that I did to Greg that I truly regret today and am truly sorry for.  Greg knew this, so he arranged for me to go out with my friends to celebrate instead.  The good thing about this, though, is that this year, I WANTED Greg there.  Even with the kids there, Greg and I had a good conversation over dinner (and the five of us had a good conversation over dinner as well).  Sadly, if it were not for the divorce, this would have been another year when we would have gone out to a really nice restaurant but I would not have enjoyed celebrating this very special day.  I never would have thought that I would say that divorce improved my relationship with my former spouse, but that is what has happened--Greg and I are becoming friends--good friends.  While I can't see alternate realities, I do not believe that this would have happened by this time without the divorce.  I don't know why things had to happen this way, I just suppose that they did and do.