You never know...

Do you remember the depression that I fell into nearly a year ago?  I was probably in the lowest spot (or at least tied for the lowest spot of my life).  I was looking at some facebook messages between a friend and me during that time, and I was convinced that the world would be better off without me.  I wasn't at the point of committing suicide (and I never got to that point), but I was close.  My belief was that if I were gone, the kids would mourn, but Greg would probably just remarry and the kids would end up with a normal complete family again.  Of course, their "complete" family would be with a substitute mother and they would have to live with the fact that their mother would never tuck them into bed again--not such a normal thing.

I have learned something new.  It's possible that there is at least one person on this planet whose life, literally, would not go on if I were not here.  In 1994, when I was either a freshman or a sophomore at Rice ( I can't remember which), there was a student who had been diagnosed with leukemia.  Her friends organized drives where people could give blood samples to be tested as a possible match for bone marrow donation, and to add people to the bone marrow registry.  I gave a blood sample, was not a match for that student and never really thought about it again.

About two weeks ago, I received a phone call from the bone marrow registry.  They told me that there is a patient now, with leukemia, and my name came up as a possible match.  The way that it works is there are 10 markers for bone marrow.  The more markers that match, the better the chances for a successful transplant for the recipient.  That's why it is so difficult to find a match.  We already know that I am a match for 6 of the 10 markers for this patient, and my blood is currently being tested to see if I am a match for 2 of the remaining 4 markers.  I don't know very much about the genetics of bone marrow transplants--for example how many different combinations of genes are possible--but I was told, and it makes sense, that if they are looking at data from 1994 (and if they took the time to search through public records to find me, which they did), then this patient doesn't have many options.

My point in this is that there is some woman, I have been told, who is fighting for her life.  She may be someone's mother, and/or wife.  I know that she is someone's daughter and she is someone's friend.  I may have something in so much abundance that I have never given it a second thought, that may hold the key to if she lives or dies.  Those same nights when I was wishing that I could just not wake up, she may have been praying that she did wake up the next day.  It's a sobering thought to know that I just wanted my life to be over, and if I got what I wanted, then there is another person on this planet for whom what may be her last chance at a cancer free life, would have died with me.  I am still very much in the early stages of the screening process--I may turn out to not be a suitable match--but my point is that you just never know what life has in store for you.  You never know what random opportunity may present itself to you.  You never know when you might hold the key to life or death of another person.  That person would be your sister, your friend or a total stranger, but you never know.

The weight loss chronicles, take II

Do you remember how I lost a bunch of weight a couple of years ago?  I lost about forty pounds.  Then, last fall, when I crashed emotionally, I lost even more weight--not very much, just a few pounds, but my anxiety levels were so high that there were days when I just couldn't eat.  Then in December I hit what seemed like rock bottom.  I did some things that scared me, so I went to the doctor for antidepressants.

In January I started back at Rice.  I was thankful for the antidepressants at that time, because while I still experienced the mental anxiety, the physical symptoms (nausea, inability to eat or sleep) were decreased to manageable levels.  The fact that I COULD eat again, along with high alcohol consumption to deal with the stress of school and life, lack of exercise, and quick and easy access to all manner of unhealthy, calorie dense foods, and ultimately bad decisions regarding food and exercise, let to my gaining about fifteen pounds.  Yes--I gained the freshman fifteen at 36 years old.  Now I am doing to hard work once again of losing those pounds.

I am going to attempt to chronicle this process this time around, since I didn't the last time around.  I don't claim to know the "best" or "right" way to lose weight.  I know that it is extremely difficult to lose weight, and it is even harder to keep it off.  I ate right and exercised like I was supposed to for a couple of years, and yet, when life got stressful and difficult,  I went right back to my old habits--coffee for breakfast, cookies cupcakes, pizza, etc.  I suppose that the moral of this story is that one must exercise, in the word of Mad-Eye Moody, "constant vigilance."  Of course, it is impossible to always be vigilant about anything--life happens and we all make bad decisions, so maybe the true moral of the story is be vigilant when you can and when you can't, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  The get back up and pick up where you left off (or as close to where you left off as possible.)

Okay, enough philosophy here.  This is what I plan to do--I am going to make notes of what I am doing, what works and what doesn't.  I started off a just over 130 pounds (I was at 115 last fall).  I'm not sure what weight I want to get back to, but I know that I want to wear my size 2 jeans again (I am in a size 6 right now).  Oh, and I will attempt to share my favorite recipes.  When I cook, I don't really use recipes, I just add a little of this and a little of that until I like what I am eating, but I generally know what I have added and about how much :-).

I started watching my food intake and working out again about three weeks ago.  My exercise schedule is to work out with my trainer twice a week, usually Wednesday and Saturday mornings, and do cardio for thirty minutes five times a week, usually Monday-Friday.  This schedule works for me, and yes, I get two workouts on Wednesday.  I do my cardio at school in the rec center, and I usually use a variable stride elliptical.  One of these days, I will buy one of these machines, but until I have to $8000 just lying around to spend on it, I will continue working out at school.

As far as my diet goes, this is what I do--Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday I try to eat as close to 1200 calories as possible.  The breakdown is between 100-150 grams of carbs, between 110-150 grans of protein, and 20-60 grams of fat.  Again, I am not saying this is the "right" way or the "best" way, this is just what has been working for me.  On Wednesday, I increase my calories to 1600-1800, typically by adding more carbs, and on Saturday I allow myself a free meal/free day.  On Sunday, which is my day of from my workouts, I try to eat the 1200 calorie diet, but it doesn't always work out that way.  I usually eat Greek yogurt with coffee for breakfast (before my workout), then I work out and I have a smoothie with coconut milk, bananas, strawberries and protein powder for "lunch," during class.  My class is over at 2, so around 2:30 or 3 pm, I have some sort of snack--lately I have been eating salads (more on that later), which hold me over until dinnertime.  For dinner, I allow myself a larger meal (for now)--homemade enchiladas, homemade pizza, etc.  Of course, I weigh out my ounce of cheese for these meals and I use whole grains and lean protein sources, which allows these meals to fit into my eating plan.  At this time, I usually do not eat after dinner, which is part of the reason why I eat a large dinner.  I know that might be less than optimal, but one of the very bad habits that I got into was of mindlessly eating at night.  I could eat a pint of ice cream then go eat chips, cheese, salsa, and anything else that I could find in the fridge.  At this time, it is easier for met to just not eat at night than to allow myself to eat a little bit.

I think that's enough for right now.  I have so many things stored up in my head to share--salad dressings, enchilada sauces, pizza recipes, cheesecake, chocolate baked custard...Do you have any requests--anything that you want me to share first?  If you do, please leave a comment and I will try to accommodate you.

Here's to shrinking waistlines!

It's been a long time

Has it really been over five months since my last post?  That's what blogger says--that's hard to believe.  It seems like the time went so quickly, and yet it seems like an eternity ago.  Life is completely different now.  I suppose that I owe you an update.

First, in my last post, I said there was a reason why I couldn't post that morning but I didn't want to say yet.  Well, what had happened was the day before my first day of school at Rice, Greg and the kids left to go to Abilene.  His mom had been admitted into the hospital, so I was going to need to stay at his house to take care of the dog.  I was actually glad to be in familiar surroundings with my dog the first few days of school.  Needless to say, I did not want to post that I was staying in the house alone (and that it would be empty during the day).  It is very easy to find someone's address online with a small amount of information--call it being paranoid, but it did not seem wise to announce that on the internet.

At any rate, I started school at Rice--on the day of the heaviest rainfall in Houston in eighteen months.  Remember the January 9, 2012 storms?  If not, here's a link.  The 610 feeder road was flooded, school was flooded, the roads to school were flooded.  That was one of the scariest drives of my life--one that I will probably not forget.  On top of that drive to Rice (and getting completely soaked as I walked to class), that day I sat through three hours of math classes, of which, I did not understand a word.  That was the beginning of my hardest semester ever.

Every day of school was a challenge to me.  For the first half of the semester, I felt as though I was lost in all of my math classes.  Math has always been my "thing."  When I was stressed out, I would work calculus problems to calm myself down.  Well, last semester, I was enjoying my two classes that were not math classes, but I was not in any way enjoying my math classes--I felt like math had turned on me.  There were days when I had so much anxiety that I nearly had to force myself to go to class.  In January, right before school started, I started taking antidepressants, which by the end of February were helping immensely with the anxiety.  I still felt worried and anxious, but the physical symptoms of the anxiety--nausea, inability to sleep, etc., were much less--decreased to tolerable levels.  After spring break, I made a D on a math test--that was an eye-opener for me.  So, I started working harder.  There were days when I would leave for school before 7 am and I would come home between 3 pm and 10 pm.  I can honestly say that I worked my tail off this semester, but it turned out well.  In my math classes, I earned an A+, an A- and a B, and I earned an A and an A+ in my other two classes--my best semester ever, in terms of grades, at Rice.  I was (and am) a little bit upset about the B, as it was in the class that i worked the hardest in, but a B is still a good grade, so I won't complain.

Life has been looking good for me on a personal level as well.  At the end of the semester, Greg and I decided that I would move back into his house.  I was spending so little time at the house he was paying for that it made little financial sense to be paying for a place where I might spend ten hours a week.  It was a bittersweet decision, as I liked knowing that I had a place that was "mine," but I was also happy that Greg and I were on good enough terms that we could once again live under the same roof.  As I got more focused on studying, I found that my midlife crisis, by necessity, had to end.  I simply did not have the time to study like I needed to and midlife crisis at the same time.  Thankfully school won that fight.  As my partying decreased (and for the most part ended), I found that I was able to step back and take a look at my life.  I am still in this stage of evaluating my life.

Greg and I are doing very well as friends.  It has been nice to be able to have a conversation or laugh with this person who has been an integral part of my life for so many years.  While we are no longer husband and wife, we are very good friends who care for and look out for one another.  I really can't ask for much more. Personally, I would rather that Greg and I be "just friends," who enjoy being in each other's company, as opposed to spouses who despise one another.  I really don't know how to define or classify my relationship with Greg--we are not spouses, but are more than just friends or roommates--but that is okay--I seem to be okay with the lack of definition--as a friend of mine has put it, I have control in this situation which is out of my control.

Now I am back in school--taking one class each summer session at the University of Houston.  Life looks good right now.  I don't know where the future is going to lead me, but for some strange reason, I am okay with that as well.

As I continue to evaluate my life, I will take a good hard look at each piece of it.  This is my time to figure out what I want--do I want to live alone or live with someone and if I want to live with someone, who is that someone--my children, a roommate, someone with whom I have a romantic relationship; what kind of job do I want--what are my values where my career is concerned?  Am I willing to take a job that I enjoy more for less money or am I willing to work a job I enjoy less for more money?  Who am I?  What kind of friend and mother am I, and what kind of friend and mother do I want to be?  The list goes on and on.  I am taking an especially hard look at my decisions over the last two years--as I entered and went through my midlife crisis, I made many decisions that affected the course of my life--some good, some bad.  I made new friends during that time as well--some which are good for me and some which are not.  I need to evaluate all of these things and determine what to keep and what to get rid of.  While there were some sad outcomes of my midlife crisis, I strongly believe that as a whole, this time has been good for me--I just need to clean up a few messes now.

As I have said before, hopefully it won't take me so long to post again.  In reality, I will probably post a few more times over the summer.  We'll see what happens in the fall when that time comes--my last semester before I get my degree!  There will be a big party somewhere in December--my Rice degree has been twenty years in the making--I will be excited to celebrate!

Today

Unfortunately, I was not able to post first thing this morning.  There was actually a reason for this, and I will write about it in a few days.  Suffice to say, once I post, you will understand why I chose to wait to write about my reason.  Thankfully, my anxiety levels have been relatively low today, and the purpose of writing these entries is to help with my anxiety.  So, it seems that it was ok for me to not post today.

I'll update this post in a few days.

Tomorrow is my first day of school--yikes!